Doa seorang hamba

     Ya Allah,dugaan mu ini besar namun ku cuba tetapkan hatiku lebih besar daripada dugaanmu.Namun Ya Allah,tanpa bantuan mu ,siapa lah aku....sebesar mana usaha ku,tanpa redha dan keizinanmu,aku....takkan ke manan-mana.
     Ya Allah,sesungguhnya lemahnya aku terasa tanpa orang yang kusayangi di sisi.Aku juga tidak meminta kesempurnaan ,Ya Allah,namun apabila aku buka dan persembahkan hatiku untuk seseorang dalam apa2 bentuk sekali (rakan,kasih,kepercayaan), hanya satu ku pinta,kejujuran.Jauhkan makhluk yang berpura-puraan kerana aku tak mampu...kerana sejahat-jahat manusia,aku membenci manusia yang berpura-puraan.Ya Allah,aku bermohon perlindungan.Sejauh mana kakiku mampu ku berjalan,aku akan berjalan dengan izinmu,insyallah,namun jauhilah daripada manusia seperti ini,kerana ia membuatkan terasa seperti berjalan di atas kepingan kaca,menanti kaca menusuk kaki namun hakikatnya kita masih harus tersenyum.Aku memaafkan segala kejahatan hati manusia yang mendatangkan sihir padaku kerana mereka juga manusia yang disesatkan iblis,namun belum cukup kuat untukku...untuk manusia bersifat pura-puraan.Ya Allah,maka ,kuatkanlah hati ku...Ya Allah,hanya padamu aku meminta.Amin.

a lil story

   so...it is true that he will never ever able to be the 'right'.
    "Jika kita merasakan dia yang 'benar' ,namun saesungguhnya hanya Allah yang Maha Mengetahui siapa yang benar untukmu

BABIES.....a gift ...a bless

Hi, lately i've been sick so bad...to the most unimaginable point.So.. sick that at one point,sometimes,i need to get hold to someone.but also, lately i found new strength.I have been blessed by 10 new kids,magnificient 1.they r so cute,nampun namja.As if..and 'll be good if they were ours.New life has begin.and i am a new mommy of 10.I know and i promise be strong...it feels like they r new energy coming around when they r there...i hope i'll always be that strong.Would be good if they have their papa...but mommy will keep you safe eventhough without daddy nor papa....we will strive strong.

      mommy ,willl keep you safe....

sotry of my heart

  I was reading a friend status, "will it worth a wait?"...In my opinion,for her,yup...may be..probably....for me?will it be the same?Will it worth to wait for nampun namja?Did it can be call a 'wait' in my situation for nampun namja?
       I HAVE BEEN DOUBTING MYSELF AS LATELY...do I deserves to call it a wait?I know...as sooon his name pop,gladly and proudly I would say I loves him...but lately,it seems my heart get tempted by another creature...I hate to be tempted by him....coz how far could I control?i don't know..it feel like I am losing my control each time...I admits I am a lil bit under his spell..a lil......I hate to feel like a sinner.'ve been loving one particular guy for 5 years straight and by few words from that creature,i am tempted.I nearly fall.And I am calling myself loyal?That creature who resembles my father..have scared me a lot coz ....I resembles my mother the most.It is almost the same play all over again.

a LETTER to god : lil girl prayer

     Hi,it's 1.12 am ,2 days after 2014.Happy New Year,Honey,my sweet nampun namja...story after story,drama after drama  i watched,one funny thing happened as i am watching.After all those thing,their hero changed,but mine stick the same.These year of 2015, i watched Pinocchio,and the first person that came to my mind is you,my nampun namja.Normally,people would discuss about their New Years wish but for me,nampun namja, you are as important as all my wishes when all my wish are sum together.How much i hope it will changed,you just so important.Though through time , i'll keep on wishing,but now ,i am wishing again.God, give your poor slave one happiness she have hoped for ,her nampun namja and she'll be happy and spread so much happiness toward others.
      Wish for 2015:
1)to be positive toward persons and surrounding
2) keep my first promise of 2015 (vacation)
3)Work Hard to give my lil sis glamorous wedding (coz she deserved it.Waiting for nampun namja as i know , i will never give up to slighest 0.001 chance but in case,the possibility just didn't meant to happened, i will marry her off thinking of how my wedding i wanna be).... fulfill other wish as ours.So,i'll have to work hard
4)be a good teacher,listener and probably mother to my babies students

i hope this year wouldn't be colourful for me.i will make it colourful with my darnest smiles.i'll stay strong.Nampun namja, my promise to you,i'll stay really strong.
 
    I want to be in love without to be forcing myself to fall in love in first place (coz then, i will feel like "someones already there,you, nampun namja".Coz i want it so much to move on...but it feel more terrified thinking of forgeting him coz the HIM, that keep me strong.Just stay in my heart,and don't cost so much chaos ,nampun namja.
   
   PRAYERS OF 2015
    i'll do anything so much so that, my mom want she want,what she deserves...happiness,wealth....
    And i'm praying for 'woman from hell" that she will always be nice especially to my mom.Once a while cook for my mom,once a while buy her thing and keep her tone down,and DON'T ABONDONED MY MOM...and for me,that's already heaven for me...what i want to see in my family...
    As for my lil sis, i hope i could marry her off to a good man (wish i quite convinced she has found ones).Be happy and have as much as children more than they wanna...coz every child carry a lot of happiness when they came to the earth...
     As for me, i wanna to be happiness .I wanna to be sincerely loves by people.I want to find someone who could hold me close and keep me safe.


     ____Happy New Year 2015 _______________________

2 different kind of love...

 At first, i want to put 'a step to heaven'  as the title today but that woman from hell roar again.She went crazy...but put it aside for a while.Tell the good ones first, for the first time ever since i got back, 'that woman from hell' finally bought us some dinner or lunch.For the first time, there she go...after all may be she wasn't that bad but definitely not changing my statement about hell thing.But at least,may be she have a chance...slightly ....i think she is nice...until she went crazy at night because i took 'lil angel' out around 6 pm. i guess evil wouldn't overturn in one night.and 'the crazy ...' still remains crazy.Definitely it bring big laugh to me and  'fashionista sis'.too weird...as if she trying to sabotage herself.
     Fears over her craziness?nope....i went over the worst already...forgot it already?that time,it feel like as if someone dip you into lava of hell and made you  comeback alive to tell a story.Feel anything? Nope.I don't feel anything.I have been living the worst. it is through that 'fashionista sis' said. it just feel suffocating when you just around.that just it.Fear?Terrified? Nor worry? Long time ago, you gave me worst.So,anything you have done only will made 'lil angel ' hate you when she grew up.Me? I  wouldn't taste any feeling that you want me to feel.Sorry to dissappoint.Because at some point of my life,i will move on and pretend you and your family never exist in my life.Isn't it that easy? but you have done to her stick till she raised her own daughter.
         Oh...two types of feeling i do feel when you do that 'drama' ...are  first, i feel sorry for you.Really i am. secondly,'terkilan' .dissapointed?Why ? Why dissapointment? Because you are worrying that something might happen when she is with me.Hello,woman.I RATHER GIVE UP MY LIFE  RATHER THAN HER BEING HURT.i don't know bout you coz you always care less bout her.but SHE WORTH MORE THAN MY LIFE.I WILL GAVE UP MINE for one lil scratch of her.Walking in the rain earlier, i walked hand by hand with her,the only one that use the entire umbrella.Why? I don't want one single drop of rain fall on her.Not a single drop.She worth that much to me? And yo have a doubt on me bringing her out?funny because...HAVE YOU DON'T THAT EVEN FOR ONCE?drain in the rain with your daughter holding the umbrella?Everytime i walk with her,i will stand at the side where all the car are....because of why? Because if it means to be one of us are getting hit,it gonna be ME instead of her.You?You didn't even check her fever...it bring me tears when you doesn't bother to feel her forehead.Do you choose not to care nor you just one lousy  bad mother?Didn't it sound me or you are the bad ones?Who is the big bad wolf here?
      Oh..forgot that you are her mother?Not at all.Yup.Of couse.Even cat...can have babies....even a man can have baby these day...Is that what you do that define whether you're worth a mother or you just become one out of luck?or out of birth control?

     but for today's show...not bad of a show..because it bring laughter to both of us.entertaining but don't do it again coz no one taste the heat from it.Just... it just funny.oh..what made me feel sorry for you?if i tell you....it would be one big biography...it just that in the journey of hurting other people,don't hurt your own 'babies'...coz other people might not bother or find it funny but your babies ,they will remember how bad mother you must've been they once had even you try to repent it later...poor on you.May Allah save your soul.See no one are the cinderella...you ,me  and her....we would be three evil sister...but just don't try to be more evil...cause you have enough on your spoon...more of it,you will spill it everywhere around you.oh...mom might be the cinderella.Once again,may Allah save your soul.

      For nampun namja...please upadate more picture of you having a blast of your life.Made me feel happy,please.Once you have a happy, it feel the happiness were spread on me too.I know...and i will not stop praying one day..you will come to love me...i will accept it in one year....even 20 years coming....i guess i wanna give up but can't.I love you.You know...i have these one crazy fantasy.... like the anime ones...that it happen to us..i wake up and become your left hand. i would rather living like that....may be because i was so tired....i was so tired of everything.i just want to love you.demanding everyone to be good,is it too much?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SCjvcean0B8

LOSER IN GAME OF LIFE

  He wasn't looking like a prince at all.But he is to me.After all these years,i grew....i ran....i changed my world....i changed everything,even me myself changed...yet, one thing didn't..I STILL LOVE THAT ONE PARTICULAR MAN...PERFECT PRINCE OF MAN,MY NAMPUN NAMJA.Till now,i still have him in my dream...i means actual dream.Didn't i love him that much?What does he do,that i can't move on? Why?I can give the other guy, " HIJRAH CINTA" "MOVING ON LOVE" ....but not  to my nampun namja.
     Now i have a declaration to make.I AM NO LONGER SEARCHING FOR THAT THING ANYMORE.LOVE DIDN'T COME, AND NO LONGER I BELIVE EXIST.My nampun namja? He is my love...and not chance that he will banish from my heart when death came upon me.I CAN'T NEVER MOVE ON.I AM MORE THAN MISSING HIM.
       Ya Allah,can't i have him?i promise through hardness,through poorness,through pain, through world come to ends,i won't ask a single thing more,if only you give him.him and my happiness.I just want him.I'll love him right....
      Now,it doesn't hurt anymore that he love someone else because it is more hurtful to pretend not to love him.it is not only hurtful...you just not living a life.

     Now,evil is all around me...or did i am too much of searching a perfect tale for everything? Is it wrong for me to get mad ,for someone who order around back and forth kitchen ,a sick 7-years old kid when she got ton of fat hanging around her damn body? Is it wrong for me to get mad at a person  who ask my own mother to clean up ,cook ,and everything only to leave her eating dry rice and ikan masin and that couple from hell going out for a dinner?Does that monthly RM1000 is made from hell leaf ? Wooww...impressed how  your own flesh blood could create a living hell for you.Is it improper for me to keep silent and pray for  her discomfort every second of that silence?Does this person came straightly from hell,to torture my living soul ,god? If she is,AROUND OF CLAP FOR YOU,god...cause it work.Cause i feel the hell's heat all around her.Just send her back to hell,please.God,i pray if one day, i would become someone like that,give me a round of slap ,please.Wake me,in any way before i get that far.I might be evil....yes..i am..but please not to my own mom....please ,god.

  ONE CONCLUSION,I AM BACK TO LOVE... I MIGHT ENDED ALONE MY WHOLE LIFE AND THE POSSIBILITY ARE 99.9...AND I WILLING TO TAKE IT....TO LOST IN HIS GAME.


     MY NAMPUN NAMJA.....i love you...and always will love you