2 different kind of love...

 At first, i want to put 'a step to heaven'  as the title today but that woman from hell roar again.She went crazy...but put it aside for a while.Tell the good ones first, for the first time ever since i got back, 'that woman from hell' finally bought us some dinner or lunch.For the first time, there she go...after all may be she wasn't that bad but definitely not changing my statement about hell thing.But at least,may be she have a chance...slightly ....i think she is nice...until she went crazy at night because i took 'lil angel' out around 6 pm. i guess evil wouldn't overturn in one night.and 'the crazy ...' still remains crazy.Definitely it bring big laugh to me and  'fashionista sis'.too weird...as if she trying to sabotage herself.
     Fears over her craziness?nope....i went over the worst already...forgot it already?that time,it feel like as if someone dip you into lava of hell and made you  comeback alive to tell a story.Feel anything? Nope.I don't feel anything.I have been living the worst. it is through that 'fashionista sis' said. it just feel suffocating when you just around.that just it.Fear?Terrified? Nor worry? Long time ago, you gave me worst.So,anything you have done only will made 'lil angel ' hate you when she grew up.Me? I  wouldn't taste any feeling that you want me to feel.Sorry to dissappoint.Because at some point of my life,i will move on and pretend you and your family never exist in my life.Isn't it that easy? but you have done to her stick till she raised her own daughter.
         Oh...two types of feeling i do feel when you do that 'drama' ...are  first, i feel sorry for you.Really i am. secondly,'terkilan' .dissapointed?Why ? Why dissapointment? Because you are worrying that something might happen when she is with me.Hello,woman.I RATHER GIVE UP MY LIFE  RATHER THAN HER BEING HURT.i don't know bout you coz you always care less bout her.but SHE WORTH MORE THAN MY LIFE.I WILL GAVE UP MINE for one lil scratch of her.Walking in the rain earlier, i walked hand by hand with her,the only one that use the entire umbrella.Why? I don't want one single drop of rain fall on her.Not a single drop.She worth that much to me? And yo have a doubt on me bringing her out?funny because...HAVE YOU DON'T THAT EVEN FOR ONCE?drain in the rain with your daughter holding the umbrella?Everytime i walk with her,i will stand at the side where all the car are....because of why? Because if it means to be one of us are getting hit,it gonna be ME instead of her.You?You didn't even check her fever...it bring me tears when you doesn't bother to feel her forehead.Do you choose not to care nor you just one lousy  bad mother?Didn't it sound me or you are the bad ones?Who is the big bad wolf here?
      Oh..forgot that you are her mother?Not at all.Yup.Of couse.Even cat...can have babies....even a man can have baby these day...Is that what you do that define whether you're worth a mother or you just become one out of luck?or out of birth control?

     but for today's show...not bad of a show..because it bring laughter to both of us.entertaining but don't do it again coz no one taste the heat from it.Just... it just funny.oh..what made me feel sorry for you?if i tell you....it would be one big biography...it just that in the journey of hurting other people,don't hurt your own 'babies'...coz other people might not bother or find it funny but your babies ,they will remember how bad mother you must've been they once had even you try to repent it later...poor on you.May Allah save your soul.See no one are the cinderella...you ,me  and her....we would be three evil sister...but just don't try to be more evil...cause you have enough on your spoon...more of it,you will spill it everywhere around you.oh...mom might be the cinderella.Once again,may Allah save your soul.

      For nampun namja...please upadate more picture of you having a blast of your life.Made me feel happy,please.Once you have a happy, it feel the happiness were spread on me too.I know...and i will not stop praying one day..you will come to love me...i will accept it in one year....even 20 years coming....i guess i wanna give up but can't.I love you.You know...i have these one crazy fantasy.... like the anime ones...that it happen to us..i wake up and become your left hand. i would rather living like that....may be because i was so tired....i was so tired of everything.i just want to love you.demanding everyone to be good,is it too much?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SCjvcean0B8

LOSER IN GAME OF LIFE

  He wasn't looking like a prince at all.But he is to me.After all these years,i grew....i ran....i changed my world....i changed everything,even me myself changed...yet, one thing didn't..I STILL LOVE THAT ONE PARTICULAR MAN...PERFECT PRINCE OF MAN,MY NAMPUN NAMJA.Till now,i still have him in my dream...i means actual dream.Didn't i love him that much?What does he do,that i can't move on? Why?I can give the other guy, " HIJRAH CINTA" "MOVING ON LOVE" ....but not  to my nampun namja.
     Now i have a declaration to make.I AM NO LONGER SEARCHING FOR THAT THING ANYMORE.LOVE DIDN'T COME, AND NO LONGER I BELIVE EXIST.My nampun namja? He is my love...and not chance that he will banish from my heart when death came upon me.I CAN'T NEVER MOVE ON.I AM MORE THAN MISSING HIM.
       Ya Allah,can't i have him?i promise through hardness,through poorness,through pain, through world come to ends,i won't ask a single thing more,if only you give him.him and my happiness.I just want him.I'll love him right....
      Now,it doesn't hurt anymore that he love someone else because it is more hurtful to pretend not to love him.it is not only hurtful...you just not living a life.

     Now,evil is all around me...or did i am too much of searching a perfect tale for everything? Is it wrong for me to get mad ,for someone who order around back and forth kitchen ,a sick 7-years old kid when she got ton of fat hanging around her damn body? Is it wrong for me to get mad at a person  who ask my own mother to clean up ,cook ,and everything only to leave her eating dry rice and ikan masin and that couple from hell going out for a dinner?Does that monthly RM1000 is made from hell leaf ? Wooww...impressed how  your own flesh blood could create a living hell for you.Is it improper for me to keep silent and pray for  her discomfort every second of that silence?Does this person came straightly from hell,to torture my living soul ,god? If she is,AROUND OF CLAP FOR YOU,god...cause it work.Cause i feel the hell's heat all around her.Just send her back to hell,please.God,i pray if one day, i would become someone like that,give me a round of slap ,please.Wake me,in any way before i get that far.I might be evil....yes..i am..but please not to my own mom....please ,god.

  ONE CONCLUSION,I AM BACK TO LOVE... I MIGHT ENDED ALONE MY WHOLE LIFE AND THE POSSIBILITY ARE 99.9...AND I WILLING TO TAKE IT....TO LOST IN HIS GAME.


     MY NAMPUN NAMJA.....i love you...and always will love you

birthday girl :A slices of heart to be shared

   Hello, once again i'm here.Today,24 years ago, i was born. Going through yesterday and today, i was happy and i am happy...why? Most of my time was spend with the kids.For 24 years of celebrating my birthday, this wasn't the most chaotic or happening celebration ,because truthfully, it is quite dull though.....but this time around,it is meaningful.As if my life have become so meaningful...At the age of 24, i became a teacher....somewhere here, i have become a person.I've spend the moment i born , giving love,hope and knowledge to others.I feel warmed somehow. Eventhough i haven't  fully recovered yet, deep down,i know i love this job so much.i love all these kids.And the funny things,my dream came true,they sing for me at Dewan Selera....touching and warm...deep in my heart,i said to myself,"this worth thousand of hardness of coming here....it worth more than anything."
     Last night ,i cried.My bet....i was watching scent of a woman,suddenly my heart remembered "nampun namja"...As i remembered going through changes from "who i used to" till now,it is all started with him.He made me doll up,(though even now,it wasn't good enough yet), he trigger my desire of wanting to be a woman which i never think of before.He made me ,wanting or desiring to be a better woman.He made me desiring to become a woman of his fit...I wasn't after any prince nor  your highness, as long as i fit him enough, i would choose to become a slave, if he is on the same path.Even i have tried 100 times to keep my heart stronger being in here ( it is hard...so hard sometimes), because of him.Though lately,my heart get a lil bit tempted, but remembering him last night....i remember how i used to love....Remembering how painful it used to be, i remember my promise,
       "Never hold on something that you can't afford to have,or else you 'll be losing 'it' even while you grabbing 'it' in your hand"
           "Love when you are capable to hold it to you"
     My heart have no room for another pain ,nor no room for another 'NAMPUN NAMJA'....losing him,having him dissappearing in front of my eyes,missing him till i felt a day was not worth a day,i have lost 'MYSELF'...if it's happening for second time,if i have to watch the same drama over again, i don't know what is left inside of me.May be nothing...more.For now, i will and am allowing myself to love again only when i am able to keep that love.
            oh one more thing,from the beginning of time until whatever, i hate seducers....just that.

      Now, i am determine, that these kids is my world.Think less about anything else.Learn to love myself again by loving these kids.By how much we give,that much we get back.
      Wishing time....close my eyes,....one two there....my wish is .....@#%%^&(())*^%#@@!!!!!!!#%^^&&  ...may it become a true wish....

My!Iinvestigate :Act of Love gone wrong

 Today,i found someone resembles him...(nampun namja)...i stood for a few second far looking at his back.Not loving him that hard anymore,i guess....but he is someone that i am not yet able erase.At that moment,my heart hope we could meet another way....my heart hope that i am a different person,a fine lady that could be love by him...i just hope if...just if...he is like that ajushi that look like him,may be...just may be...both of us could consider love that happen between us.Just may be....in that a few second,hoping that body is his's (eventhough knowing he isn't  the ones),i hope i could hold his arm smoothly.oh..i think...how happy is it,if we just two regular person that fit to love one another?How happy is it...i am if he just another guy loved by me...but as do min joon once said, "happy dreams only make me less happy after i wake up"..because it is just a dream...and a dream never repeat itself twice.
       i found one character that fit demonic sister n her sobangnim...the couple on mata & hati pendusta...the sister who have to take care of senile mom.i bet...she would be doing the same if mom gone senile or ,could she put her in oldies facilities...one of both.Just having such character and not knowing herself,i feel sorry for her.A few days ago,she was mad with her daughter,that she actually kick her back (but not that hard).What kind of mom put her bare feet on her daughter just because she watch some video she didn't approve of...FEET!FEET!!...Sometime,we as people with good background feel guilty for crossing people's body while they are lying down."Slimmy fashionista" n her also have intense moment (lucky it didn't ended up with argument) becuase of that.Managed to maintain my anger down inside, i said to my mom," just think that we are watching a crazy women show,and for the best,never watch it at all."And she said this once a few days ago,"if it wasn't for mom,i have thrown you in a drain already.Woww!!!full motivation for a daughter with a mom that expecting new husband's seed.Why do you try to become a mom one more time when you are not suck but not willing totry to be up than 'suck'?sad for you....i wish you to change,but i know the last person who can change is you?You have a lot of love that you translated it to whole another bad way....

love poem: HEART OF AN ICE

HEART OF AN ICE

Should thy call  thee as sprinkles of magic?

As neither none of acts nor thee himself are mythical at all,

Yet calm heart of thy losing its count even with thee small glimpse,

Nothing compared when thee presence shields fears of thy,

Of the not-knowing on when will thee depart from thy heart,

As if thee was never meant to leave anyway,

As if the fairies have a written tale of us going happily ever after,

When the glass’s shoes were never thy size,

Thy knows,thy knew….

Every moments thy in thee’s eyes are temporary,

Not furnishing into future nor tale, but insignificant past of thee,

Yet, it speak different for thy,

As thee eyes,thee laughs, thee words…reliving itself,

Every steps of the way for thy future,

Keeping a fire of blame off from warming past,

That bring thy heart to thee,

Putting the future in a lifetime mission,

Of seeing  thee  again with thy bare eyes,

Yet,no regret of the odd of thee eyes fix on another soul,

That made thee as crazy as thy love,

Knowing at seconds in thy life, thy have smile that thy never sigh for deep bleed,

Knowing at minutes in thy life, thy have dreamt as dancing the dance thy have given up for in love,

Knowing at hours in thy life, thy have shed sweats for being on thee side and again shed another tears,

Letting thee go to thee chosen happiness,

Knowing at days in thy life,thy have loved thee who once looked thy as a person,

And knowing at lifetime of thy,thy have a puzzle heart to be completed by another pieces,

 Who serve a perfect fit compared to thee’s,

Because a glassy ice heart of thy was once melted.

FROZEN HEART:do you wanna to build a snowman?

Today,i had been listening to "The great doctor:one piece".My eyes are in a lil bit of tear.[accroding to the drama]Now, i know her feeling and why she choose not to comeback to new era where her bright future are await.Why she choose to stay in the era that are way behind....where you have to walk miles to talk to a soul instead of using high whatassp....A villain once asked the main lead," if you have something better than flying "horse",why would you still feel this "heart disease"?Shouldn't everyone be happy and satisfied?"She answered,"in that era,they are far more worse.and there is no cure...because you wouldn't never be satisfied even you have the flying horse"Now,i at least know the modern era disease.Today,we are talking about problematic "useless hyungnim" that might cause trouble as soon as new baby is arrived.And my mom said,"i wish the rented house are vacant.At least ,there is somewhere else to go...but leaving you...."she said to demonic diamond.And guess what? Not even in one blink of an eye,she cut the line,"eh,tahu kami lah cara nak hidup sendiri/ eh,We will just figured it out on how somehow...or something like that line....it shocks me to the deepest.As if she can't wait mom to move out of the out.DID SHE FORGET WHO FEED HER?DID SHE FORGET WHO FEED HER DAUGHTER?DID SHE JUST CONFESSIONG ON GETTING SICK HAVING MOM? DON'T YOU THINK YOU WILL BE HEALTHY N ALIVE IF MOM EVER GET SICK OF YOU?Waaaa....impressive...talking about hell demon.But it is to be expected for a two-face woman like her...telling cholics that you are taking care of your sick daugthter day and night...full of bullshit.Never do even once.I wish your cholics and your raised child at school know how you are EXACTLY like.You keep protecting those abandoned rich kids because they are abondoned by their busy mummy ,daddy....but,spending the day till 12 midnight at school,How can you are any different from them? Cursing your own flesh and blood like she have no dignity ,didn't you more worse than that?Now,you are getting rid of mom that are trying so hard to give her love to your child in your place?The\atold lady....COOK for you EVERY DAY and now,for your husband too despite being sick?So,that,she won't be one of those kid you abandoned.So,that she won't be crying alone ,we openede our arm so,she have a place to lay down ....because you are too busy....6.30 am to  1 in the morning ?the earliest,6 am to 5 pm and yelling all day long?And you call yourself a mom because you provide her clothes,foods?If any other random woman does that and willing to have the pain you have in giving birth,should she becoming "lil goddess"new mom?What more than you did?But ,my mom once cursed her that,"in the exact way she did to me,i prayed that she would feel the same way.I am definitely confidence about it.God knows everything." oh...i don't think i listen to it once though...Demonic diamond,mom prayer never when into a waste when it is submitted to the Supreme one up there....I am no good woman too...at least we can see wish part you have to pay.By the way,remember what did you do to me last year,it changed me completely.YOU,demonic diamond,made my mom cursed to you,and making me believe that person NEVER changed,and miracle,good things....it never happen.Being a fairytalic good only get you bullied,and pretender doesn't fall down if you hate them.That incident,remember?Just tonight let just me hate you...just let me call you a bitch...BITCH...so,that,i won't be again...Anyway,any how i hate you,i hope god bless you.Sometimes,i went into tears,listening to "frozen,do you want to build a snowman?",how much pretenders you are,how much evil you sre,i hope you comeback to the nice you [before your "prince" swaying the sword at you and left you,you didn't die but you didn't survived either.You that i missed die there]....the ones that sweetly promised to buy me a denim jacket with her first salary...None of this demonic things are the usual you...sis...mom is not your maid nor slave,your daughter is not a punching...we're the person that love you and when people can choose to betrayal,we would be the ones standing your back...Why are you stabbing your right and left hand?

p/s:i got another present from my co-worker who travelled...like it....for this month...hehehehee..:)

Riddle of life :Unseen future ahead

     Hello,hi..today,i managed to listen "hyorin,crazy of you" without any pain anymore.I still remembered him (nampun namja) but only as a trace of my life.I didn't feel anything anymore.Yet.....the problem is i don't feel anything anymore as if i am no longer interested in love.For the first time in 24 years,this person here....is no longer interested in love story,no longer tangled with fairytalic dream ,and no longer bounced into love.I know it is the most good thing to do is letting him go but letting him go...made me only look the other way but love.Short-armed wangja?for now....not feeling anything.As if i let go everything when i let go of him.it feel like living but not loving....a lil bit dull.But i like to believe everything happens for a reason,right?Right,god?Could i possibly love another soul like i loved him,god?could such a thing be possible?

      Now,my whole family instead of winter season ,we fall into sick season.Starting from me,everyone is abviously infected.it have been a week or so.I am getting worry that mom's condition is getting worse.It is like it will never ended.Luckily,"lil goddess" only catch a light flu.Every night, before i went to sleep ,i check her forehead,making sure that she's not infected....that one night ,my mom said to me, "don't worry,your daughter is okay",as her own mom ,demonic diamond never do such a thing.Why?We didn't know either.even if "lil goddess" badly sick,she still....and will with her "old geezer" at the RIGHT TIME,11.00pm.normally,mom would stay up taking care of her children.To be truth,in any occasion or anything,SHE NEVER DO IT even when "lil goddess" is a baby up till now.She lied to her cholic that she stayed at night,but she just made us laugh.She even request my mom to lie for her.And eversince "lil goddess" start her elementary school,she never iron nor touch her daughter's uniform.Eventhough i was so sick (with fever ,cough,and bad flu that i can barely wake up from the bed)...guesss who does the ironing ?MEE...the sick me.My mom once said to us about demonic diamond,"She might be a smart brain at school ,but totally a fool ones when it comes to evverrything else."Just tonight, "lil goddess" , demonic diamond  (since she is waiting for sleeping time at 10 pm) and the rest are just sitting at living room,while i cooked.As demonic diamond reminded "lil goddess" about sleeping time ,"lil goddess" keep on moving from living room and kitchen ...back and forth.till a few minutes before her sleeping time,she stood in front of me,saying, "achik,when will you feed me my medicine?:"ohh...actually she waited for me to give her medicine.Asking who?ME~~~when her real mother is just sitting in the living room,doing nothing.She prefer waiting because she know asking her real mom is like asking for a yell.What should i do to this lil ones?
        Oh.about my work,lately i have been lucky.That is why i like working with rich people for rich kids.Before i try to buy nearly-hundred-ringgit school sweater but it turned out that i get it for free.This week,our supllier give cloth this time which then handed over to ME..~~~happy~~happy~~ (i wish to keep for eid..hehehehe)...that is the second 4-ela cloth i get for free.Last month,my co-worker spend it on me.hmm...i think there is more..but i forgot bout it.And wish not on talking bout food....hehehehe..it is free~free~~~with high overtime pay,i am HHHAAAPPPY working here although sometimes it is a lil bit bored.At least,with all this clothes,i managed to keep my style going on...working here,i am pampered well...like a dearess princess.well,i am a maknae though.
       The other day, i watched "superman return" when the choo Sunghoon put her daughter on his back before he swam slowly...So,she won't drown.It kinda reminded me of daddy.He used to do it when we are little.Nice memory...Missing you a lot ,dad.I wish you are here,dad.

p/s: Although sometimes,i am a lil off bit about my loveless feeling,but lately ,i am grateful.My old friend ...who have been married only a few day lost his wife to blood cancer.What can be worst than that?that happen only a few day after he happily invited our fellow member to his in-law side wedding ceremony.God....the only one pain i have know (and never WANTto experinced) the most worst is this.God,may he went through all this triumph with a strong heart.
it is truth that everyone have their own riddle of lifee.....one could never know what is ahead of them (happy or sadness).