OVERRULES BY HEART:friend,love and family

  These few days,i feels a lil bit anxious.A few day ago," regional goddess" post a song for me,as a support for up and down unreached love of mine.A few emotional comment,a song made another bestfriend of us,"slanted eyes"curious.Curious enough to personally message me saying hi.
    As far we are chatting ,i knew where she want it to head to.She want to know...what are happened.Even since we met years ago,we became best friends.People said that in any relationship you will faced some clear days that make you want to relive the moments over and over ,some cloudy days that barely out of your hands.For me,whether it is cloudy or clear,everyday is a day worth relive with.I may have many bad sheets in my life diary but they made the rest of it worth more than a smile.The memories that i like is when we sit by rock ,looking at the ocean as if it would tell how our future might hold.They are the reason why i pictured ocean as the most beautiful nature that captured my memories.Now,having the need to keep something from them aren't too good of a feeling for me.there are some sense of guilty....there some sense of anxious...there are a lil bit of everything."Biane,chinggu ya".."chummal biane"...i know you are curios...it made me feel good,in the same time,guilty feeling for not telling struck me all over again.Believe me ,i won't hide my heart from you as you know it better than mine.but for now,it is the best for us.
      Today,i watched the same movie,Spellbound i watched a year ago ..now,on TV.Strangely,eventhough i watched the same plot,the same background and the same casts,yet it feel thousand times different.The difference?I used to watched it alone on my lappy,"nicky" and i watched it a few times by myself. That time, i think the movie is okay but not scary and nice plot going on.Watching with my family.....i am forgetting bout the plot.Why?Because we are laughing.My abnormal family...we laughed hard that it seems like i never watch it even once.It feels nice...because usually we have different genre in our pocket.And i am usually the black duck of the family compared to all yellowish ones.At the end,the "not-so-scary" movie turned out to be such a funny movie.How funny life is,right?With family or without them,even the everything didn't changed,but feeling changed,right?With a slight happiness,or a piece of sorrow ,it changed and the tiniest raindrops eventually changed the ocean,right?it is the same any person we love...With the love ones or with others,even EVERYTHING IS THE SAME but feeling changed ,right?It went bias to the person you wanted...And getting overrules by heart is a thing i struggling to get out with.I am strong ones and will...Aja!!1aja!!!fighting!!!Even it i am like "hwanggini",you smiles,danced and tell people about your broken heart....yet,as long as i am happy...

Am keeping this...

http://muslimvillage.com/2011/10/27/15806/10-ways-to-avoid-marrying-the-wrong-person/

FRIEND STATUS

   Today...how should i say this?Today,i have a cold conversation with a friend," happy -happy land".He's a good friend,and we meet and tend to be a friend because we're happy with each other.Unlike me who like to stay in static relationship,he want to move further.Not only the timing is wrong,everything is wrong.the feeling  feels so wrong before.Same with " fluffy sulk" before,it wasn't happiness at all.Going serious makes feels like i'm cheating on somebody when there is not even a thread that tied me...WITH ANYONE.it make me feel guilty.Toward who?Who?
    I wasn't expecting this today.For now,i am really emotionally tired with any love...emotion.Too tired.This love i tried to let go had been using only suck the entire energy,tears and smile.It feels like going on roller coaster ride for 20 hours straight.You feels like you want to puke,you feel extremely dizzy,you feel like you are tired.you feel like your ground is shaking,All you want is a deep sleep.For at least a moment,i want to rest.May be after a few moment,when i am ready to play,i will...but this time,i'll make sure to put some"medicine" by my side.I didn't want to dissapoint another person anymore because now,i understand the feeling.
    2-years ,being with "fluffy sulk",because he never made it to my heart,he was like my side dish.We fought numerous times but there is always no declaration.He knew,i knew.We talk hours on phone,but...at the end,it ended the same.The feeling didn't changed.My eyes was always fixed on one guy.Truthfully,there is one time,"fluffy sulk" called right in front of nampun namja.All my heart keep asking is "Does he (nampun namja) felt a slightly (may be 23%) of curious of who was talking with?".We ended up stuck on the phase i didn't to proceed.
     Actually ,at this pic,i am EXACTLY like her.I need to sleep to lose the after-effect of missing a person who wasn't next to me.It feel more safe to think his presence is still around...so that ,someday,i'll heal.
    I didn't want to do it anymore.i know heart is a fragile stuff...Once it bleed,it leaves a deep scar.Until i am ready,i like to look toward "short-armed wangja".Because he aren't my side dish,he wasn't "teman-tapi-mesra",but he is my muse.Though i know it was my place to ask,and i know my feeling isn't as far toward love...that love for him,but i hope he stay in my sight.At least,until i am heal,and able to love others.Who didn't want to end up with such a guy,but becuase he is such a guy,he is too pricy.
    i believe in one thing,there is a times for everything right.I wasn't entirely forgot him...but i will not start others.This time,i will love right.i'm sorry,"happy-happy land"...i hope we can continued cheering each other like we used to be.I am unable to give more than that,especially for you.Can you just be my friend?Stop being pushy because i have push my heart too much for my current love.it is getting tiresome ...

p/s:Going to retreat to somewhere nice....going picnic.i hope i can enjoy it much...and smiles.

Great Vs True

    Today ,I talk with “smart heels” .She is looking for somebody.She want to settle down.She was asking for “short-armed wangja” and if he is available.I went into silence mode.Eventhough he  wasn’t in my love list,but… I was hesitant.

      Because he is my muse.i’ve tried many times swaying myself into loving him or pictured myself next to him,but it ended up just like low-rating drama.He is some sort of assurance that I won’t running back toward nampun namja.I won’t.i can’t afford any tears nor heartache.I have enough a lifetime.is it not that he doesn’t make my heart pump hard,he does,he does make me smile once a while,but……Only god now,how many times I hope the love blossom right in front of us.but…there is someone who refuses to totally leaves.He will..he had too..somehow (I will make sure of that)..that nampun namja that like to put a huge stone on my heart.One by one,I am forgetting memory bout him,however,the feeling stick so hard,that it feel like it eat my heart inside out.That feeling….If you want to stay,stop appear everytime,I seem to gotten over you,please.You wasn’t around and you didn’t intend to be around,so,could you let me at least learn to spark a love again...chaebal…

      After the leaking of secret,my heart just…keep having heartache.I was worry.This secret couldn’t leak anyhow…but if it does,it doesn’t only hurt my heart.It will ruin and damaged more…This bad love suppose to live secretly and dies when it suppose to unknowingly.That is what suppose to happen.somehow,this worry bring his name more often now after I managed to just remember him only once a day..and lightly.

    I have to remind myself over and over again,you are just a great love,not the true ones.If you are a great love,it doesn’t mean you will be the true.I’ll need you to pass through and … ,so that ,I am at least could expect the true ones with a willing heart.REMEMBER HEART!!!GREAT DOESN’T MEAN TRUE…

      May be I am like smart heels ,after all of this,I just hope to settle down once and for all.Actually,there many times,we discussed about marriage prospect.She think her biological clock have been running fast and it is time.All girl feels like that about their marriage.But feeling is a hard thing to figured or control.You only know that you have meet the right ones,when even you  have to marry the same guy everyday,you still choose him.Rather than feeling the need to share your life to another stranger,you feel that..”ah..finally your other half have come back to you.Why wouldn’t I meet you sooner” …he  make you feel like home even  both of you stranded in deserted land.Even someday,you hated his lousy habit or old slack,you will hate even more of yourself missing it even more without him.That is how love supposed to be with less agony nor conflicts.

.If you settle with any less than this,you will always haunted with “what if….” Question.

        “What if I travel more?Would I feel more freedom?”

                  “What if…I ended with other guy?”

   It feel merry thinking of such feeling.I wish some day,I could hand over my heart to such a person.

LEAKING SECRET...

     i figured she ( regional goddess)  already finished reading by now and sleeping.For the first time today,i feel really scare, anxious as i knew someone get through into my online diary.It suppose to be me and my diary...but i figured All  7 of them had known me to that much,that there r things that they could tell better than my own diary.
     What do my "once upon a girl" have?it just a story of me,my opinion and my story about my true feeling toward my love ones,the world and sometimes,a lil bit dissappointment.It is just my way of telling myown self that
    The me that like the rugged bad boy big bang is also a 'me' that like to listen to Davichi,
     The me that always listen Pink ,sometimes addicted to Demi Lavato,
       The me that looking like a sluggish messy slut,sometimes are girl in heels,
          The me who might torn other people apart ,sometimes also may be a person who like the ocea

 More than that,it is like "my goose dream,Davichi" here.it is the place where my finger run as fast as my brains intrepreting my feeling.This is the space where i led my hurtful fairytale go alive,my dissatisfaction pouring way beyond the lousy umbrella,where the truth coming straight from heart.Yet, as the life is,not all the truth are sweet to be heard by human ear as it could be hurtful.Anyone are not running 'enough life' if you didn't know that sometimes,human like to listen spiteful sweet word over bitter truth.Sometimes,it applied the same for me.People conflict are as complicated as human brain,so,a lil bit more adding bitter truth could jammed the entire system.It s just how human operated.I try to understand it now.Because sometimes,even me myself are unable to defined myself,may be there would be an answer beyond this words.
      I was oncw watching the shrek,where ,he call himself,a person with many layer.Over a few years,i am convinced am such person.There many layer to reach my "like" ,and there so much more layer to really interpret what kind of a person  i am.Because sometimes,even myself stuck in between the layer.

HATEFULLLL PERSON ON EARTH

     Hi,it's me again.Lately i show my spark of uncomfortable and dislike toward someone who i like to call,"old geezer" eventhough geezer is suppose to be used toward a granny.Who cares?
     I merely dislike him and his attitude doesn't help much into liking him more.I am the type of person who consider ones bad attitude once people are getting closer to my family circle.My family have enough tragedy ,and that should be enough.What do i mean by consider?i think no ones is goddess,so,when someones comes into my surrounding,i did consider them a human with flaw.But some with much more uncover flaw,rather then just hate them,i tend to be more "careful" especially ones that concerning my feeling.He is ones that many flaw.
     He seems to be to obvious when he bring us to sleep at his home before he slip into my family.That's so wrong.What made it more wrong is considering we are all women,he still sleep in the house.A real man would sleep somewhere else.Oh,yeah,he is an old geezer by the way.After that,he tend to be intimate in the living room ( though it is not that 'TYPE' of intimate),but "lil goddess" and i was there.Plus with your age,it look like a flirty old geezer,not romantic lovey dovey.Even other people may be like the wedding, they didn't want to watch cheap unprofessional romantic film in the house especially involving oldies.Yerk....Another minus point.
   Since he is oldies,he does act like ones.In the house ,other things didn't concern him, especially when and where the food are coming from as long it doesn't comes directly from his pocket.How comes he comes with "our omma" to the market,and dosn't pay.Hey,Old Geezer!!!i know you are as rusty as our omma,how can you act like that?Everytime...Does you ever thank ouri omma for cleaning the house,cooking,take care of "lil goddess" ,shopping for groceries in the house when you had so much FUN  with? 0.5 minus point.
   There is one time,he ORDER the shoes closet without giving any money AT ALL?are we your slave?Are we suppose to just say,"ye,turongnim..."Bullshit.When ouri omma said,"go buy it yourself together your so heavenly match" suddenly,it is forgiven to have such ugly thing.Not to mention ,he mention ,the kitchen is too dirty.BECAUSE WE WORK THERE ALL THE TIME WITHOUT ANY HELPER,YOU OLD GEEZER!!!!!You only stepped a few time,lesser than a minute,just to wash your hand,and it is too dirty for you?Ya!!!You're @@$%%&&&-in law...clean it then.Do you too have hands?Our omma have full hands to cook,keeping your @#$%-daughter alive,unabandones especially by you.Too dirty?Uoki ne...15 minus point.How funny is it you didn't realizes you have been only few months in house and you try to ORDER AROUND ouri omma?Ouri omma who survives ffrom appa?Are you try to order around  in the house who you did chip in even one cent,in the house which the funiture you sleep in come from ouri omma, be mad at "lil goddess" that are more pricey than my own life?Ueki neeee...

    And,one more thing,"lil goddess" is more pricey than my own life.Consider people who get my "like" is hardly find (I didn't consider liking peolpe randomly even blood related),she is more pricey than that.She have get all my" like" and you are giving him A CHEAP DOLLS .It only show how cheap you are.When i was in universtiy,with only RM50 in my pocket,to go home,to eat,to buy her present,i rather go hungry rather than buying her something cheap.In thsi world,nothinh compared to her.You are somewhat bitchy manager,comapred to just-50ringgit -student like me,you are buying her that much?And that incident you do,MY LIL SISTER saw it,when you take your hand  when she try to hold your hand.Old geezer,your hand are DIRTIER than her.How could you not even try to FAKE on loving her?You made her that low?Doesn't even deserved to hold your dirty hand?My 100-out-of-100 like?You are the worst deserved for her but she take you.I am the ones who back-up your wedding (can't even regret about it) but....hmm....
  You feel dirt holding her hand,that is how disgusted i felt on letting you in my blog...that is how i felt...for me,as long you does changed,you are always that low.I might love your "aeggy" that are coming,that i couldn't resist a cute baby (if she/he is),but i hope your genes doesn't spill too much...it is hard even to live with ONE person with such attitude,how come if it is two?Didn't it?

p/s: As you notice i never eat anything with you...it is not because you are the person i am shy with , I JUST DON'T EAT WITH PEOPLE I AM UNCOMFORTABLE WITH...it applies with everyone ,not just you.You are not that exclusive.I rather and like to eat with stranger as stranger who just do harm to a person they didn't know,i like to be shy while eat with person who i want to improve my image with (normally people who make my heart pump faster),i am most comfortable eating with a kind person such "cat lover",because you make my heart feels warm.

   

letter to unreached love

Today, i listen to Davichi's song with title,"is it still beautiful". I am forgetting 'nampun namja' nowadays..(though at least one day his name rang a bell,nevermind as long as i didn't cry over it) and some day, i'm forget him totally....i will forget how his name always trigger my tears,how his words always make me braver,  how his happiness worth more than mine,in case,one day, i eager to know on how did i once loved him after this whole memory pass by? Everyday, i am asking "is it still beautiful?" that is how.Though i am no longer "crazy over him ~hyorin",but still ...there were a day i wonder," is it still beautiful" eventhough, for him,i know it is.I just wanna ask..and another word,"Please do meet someone that are able to cover my shortcomings of a woman,then,i will be happy." Me?Being unhappy? the moment i realize my heart only cares for you more than myown self,i' ve known there is no happy ending for me.It is just another dangerous games i played to keep my heart safe from pain.Even if i had known that a huge pain await the end of game,i can't choose not to play because  of you....because my heart are no longer in my control."Nampun namja",thank you for all this pain.(for real).thank you for being that great love,thank you for teaching me that even my scarred heart are able to love so much...thank you for being that.Thnak you for always being honest eventhough some people around us didn't.

p/s:Even though,someday,someone betray you,remember that there was a "catfish" from the mud" who hold pure love that are as pure as pouring rains for you.So,never lower yourself below that,"ouri sarang",ne?