Reliving the love: Two Is Better Than one

      Hello,currently i am listening to "two is better than one",and it bring back some old feelings about love .Because the single lyrics remind me ,on how i used to love...and that kind of fairytalic feeling.Miss it a lot...because lately,and seriously, i haven't experiencing anything like that.The feeling that "two is better than one" things...truthfully,as much as it might hurt me (being in that kinda love),it made me feel full of hope...like everyday,i am hoping to jump out of bed and start the day...And among my love toward somebody,"nampun namja "is the most righful person that i have loved .Although i am greatly hurt by it, but i am proud that i chose the right person.It is just that....he deserved somebody better than i am..i totally understand bout that.
     With mom keep arranging and dreaming my "love life",everything seems hardly come natural ,when i am the person that expecting natural love from a true feeling.oh...may be beucase of the continous jokes my family pulled for my "romance" with "short armed wangja",i dreamt of him last night.i dreamt that somehow,finally we're tied with that rope (ones that mom want),and the feeling...i had during that time,made me feel doubtful again.It is so different when i dreamt bout "nampun namja" ,me and my family.With him ("nampun namja"),the feeling is so comfortable as if he is always one with me,the family...but with short armed wangja.....it full of awkwardness as if we're trying to keep everything s secret.I got me thinking for a while.What am i doing?Am i really hope to be in love or i just need a companion?Or,did i stop in believing in love?In between those three,there are an answer.And this afternoon,a friend of demonic diamond,a man said that he have his eyes on my sis ,"slimmy fashionista" and she is his type" when he met her in a glance.And me? he said i have my pure fair skin.Argghh...i hate that type of man the most.the ones that rolls his eyes on thigh first.I am not against guys against some beauty for example, "slimmy fashionista"'s man ,and "nampun namja".i means ,a good guy always deserved the exclusive plate.They didn't choose bimbo but a lady.That's what a real man do.That why fairytale is a lie by the way.love the character?love the big heart?kindness?gentle?like the "beastly" movie,For nowaday era, they got beaten by shiny thigh,expensive heels and plastic face.It is not that i stop believing the fairytale but now,i know,it is just good for comforting.Reality is for real people.
       oh....getting for from the topic....due to that dream..and plus.plus...plus..,i am reconsidering my feeling.i want to stop being involved in the feelings for now... may be,i'll jump back into the track (of feeling,love,and emotions) in a few days,due to my mom and the nature of human being (of wanting in some sort of feeling 's games)...but for now,i want to search within me...WHAT DO I WANT?that rope...didn't eveyone wnat it?why it feels so awkward ,so wrong.as if i need to back off from the games?HOW CAN I GET BACK THE FEELING OF "TWO IS BETTER THAN ONE"?did i really have totally given up on love?Somehow....i miss the feeling of hoping,imagining that happy end is possible.

p/s:A baby is coming within my family circle...and now,i am deeply worry of "lil goddess".I am worry someday,she will be more isolated by the arrival of "new game".I want to give all my love,i have to her,but what can i do,she is not even mine.but who now the rolling dice of fate?Looking at deeper look,my family is more like the "wang family" a lil bit....funny as it is...
p/s: eventhough i do fall in love with character ( which is why i chose "nampun namja" once ,making me known for bad taste in man for his look),but will i fall the saame way she did if i meet him?When happy ending is possible,right?May be ...right?it not like love can come in any form...it just come anyway it want to..

Family:Home of 2s,Sweet Scandalous home

   Today ,nothing much going on that can be issued as "world issue" (for my world of course).Some schedule change at work that i am now exactly like human punch card..hehehee...Although it is mentally exhausting counting on the presence n a lil bit frivolous, but quite entertaining.Actually it enhances the working system of the rest.For now,everything is good.
    today,the topic get into an issue.My boss looked like reluctant on letting me go but,she said clearly ,it doesn't means she is against of me getting another job.She totally cool bout it.Truthfully,yes,if i am to stop working there,a week at least needed to train new comer...which hmm...Sincerely, i totally cool bout working there.Actually,there 2 ESSENTIAL adding point why i like working there other than the charming dongsaengi,first, every morning,i got a time of privacy to be with only my ownself,not as somebody's aunty,somebody daughter,i get time to just think or go blank...it is the time,my emotions are having the "resting relax moment".Secondly,i get to worked on my idea and cretivity.I get to worked hard when i want to,and rest when i really really weary...argh..good place to work by the way.Beside,if my fate doesn't go into the way (with the interview),,after my sister labour process,may be i am starting to think about studying again.So,totally cool...mom is totally against my idea on thinking how i am a burden if the interview is a success...one against,any way,fate is like a flowing river for me now.I just went  along.Both of it ,in its way,have its hardeness and advantages...and i don't think i am getting weaker by it...it is just a process of growing by the way.
     Oh,ouri ommy,lil sis,"slimmy fashionista" , and i were arguing about my brother...not really arguing,more to debating in a food store.it was like the semi final   of national debating session.hheheheeee...nothing much too...."slimmy fashionista " and i are agreeing on the fact that ouri "useless hyungnim" is too snobby to get a ride on a motocycle (tha why he HIJACKED my mom's car and used as hisown...pongpong ne) and to my adding point, i said ,if he is a humble person, he would've worked at least as security guard on bike and already getting married  by now.But that foolish man,"Useless hyungnim"...have body of old man but a mind of a boy...so,he doesn't tolerate with lack of coolness eventhough it's causing his family harm,dissapointment and terrible heartache.Mind of unmature 17...but as i said,everything is cool. As soon as we walked out of the shop.we feel a lil bit annoyed but everything is cool again.nothing much to bother.

p/s:i am thankful to god ..actually ,for giving me time ( for ended up staying at home longer as post grad,and part timer) that i have improved so many thing i miss while i was away.I learned to be a mom,family maid (not that i dislike it) ,a lady (learning to work on my face), and importantly,i learn to be a FAMILY MEMBER.this much is that i appear to much more step behind...it doesn't mean that i am good at it now,but i am seeing my effort,and the reason why i am staying in home sweet home.

cynical FAIRYTALE:Love beyond the L.O.V.E

   today,i chatted with an old friend, "slanted eyes" after a few times of she tried to start a conversation on facebook.She never do it before....before she found or anxious about a secret hold by me and "regional goddess".tiredlessly,she tried numeruos times.This afternoon,thinking that may be she actually cared,i return her message.I was thinking about establishing a normal chat about our life, "how had she been","how had i been","how life is going"...if you didn't others but the secret,at least try to fake it for 5 -10 minutes,you woman....look like you do...do you expect people would actually and suddenly burst a secret after a "hi"? And i am asking about a van' fare rate,and you answering ," yeah...i am waiting for his "after -work-message" but there is none"? How is it related?You are totally ignoring my question and how is it a conversation? i hate "intentional conversation" (persembangan dengan sengaja) the most... the ones you create not because you cares about what i want but only what you want only what you care.It is insincere,dear friend.As far as i try,i am trying to keep you for life and this? i know you want to show that you have one guy finally hanging on you but....oukkine..(supper funnnyy)...but you suppose to wait until i asked "how is your love life?" or something like that.i wil ask because i am your friend (that is what i do) and because i know you want me to ask.i am your friend so,i know you better than anyone else.First timer?hheheheh...super funny...you're so lack of experince..Your head is full of him,did you?you wanna show everyone ,that you're so much in love that you feel like he is the only ones ?Soo...tooo much..rookie in love...funny...for first timer,you are forgiven.For advice,neverr ever expose your guy too much till he actual said the word," will you marry me?" WITH A RING....you put your man,your feeling and your heart in great danger and your man is the ones i have the LEAST worry of.People could be judging...it is supposed to be shared only be your trusted friends.You are in great danger,girl....but hope it reallly work.
     And i know you are dying to know about the secret or how and have i got a man for myself,right?sorry....access denied.It is not because you are on bottom list of my bff or something,it just couldn't.A secret is being keep a secret sometimes because it is good to be that way.i feel bad bout it but once again,access denied.
     A few days ago, "short armed wangja" came to my exact work plaace.at first ,there is nothing as both of us are busy...then he leaved but soon enough,he came right to back and i called him by name (not because i am trying to flirt ,okay? but for work matter)....When he turned....he turned....he smiles really really brightly that i though a rose is blossoming from his smiles...it is really pretty.There is one type of smile he have ...not always...but when it does happen, i am stunned.
   Oh..my interview's result is coming out next week or next two week....truthfully,  i hope i get it but...There is a but..i don't want to be the first batch to go,that means the february-ones.I am hoping i am one of the last piece to be called.Under my family circumstance now or coming few months,i can't afford leaving my family just yet.My older sister,demonic diamond  is having a baby in february or mac,as far for now (without any newborn baby) i am handling everything for my niece,"lil goddess",ouri omma is old enough.Now,the situation is messy enough,how about the giving birth time?Who gonna help the old omma?She will died from exhaustion.And the most important time,during the first few month of baby born,my lil goddess will be abandon.Mom will be extremely busy with sis  and her babby too (since i've seen it before),who gonna fix lil goddess to school,back of school and food? God,i am not ungrateful.I hope you give me a chance to change my life but if i am not the list,could you give me a few month late? Just until sis heals fron her pain, and routine come back to normal? Please ease the burden ouri omma will be carrying.De,God?Please,Please?De?I am not greedy to be trying the impossibles but could you let me be a good daughter for once?

     Love...is something that everyone want,desire and need...but if you're growing mentally physically ,you will know,it doesn't made entirely your life.You are not teenage anymore ,who live in fantasy land which you just lay asleep and some random guy come and kiss you.Right,slanted eyes?There is thing else more important,living life.You couldn't love unless you live ,right?Responsibilites,family, and sometimes ,bills...mouth to feed eventhough you aren't married.I want love,i desire love and i worked toward it ,but i couldn't spend my day thinking bout just love.Just because you are as excited as a hyper-6 years old,looking,peeking for for a prince,it doesn't mean it will comes.It will comes when you are fit enough to love or it will be just be another wasteful love.That is called the games of fate.Fit enough? does it means,when you are all-set to seduce?Nope,When your heart keep telling you that that man in front of you is a man you could not live with....that is  (no matter how it turn to be) a real love.And wasteful love? it doesn't have to be a bad meeting with a "werewolf".Wasteful love just happen when your heart just desire for a "living trophy" instead lifetime company.It is like studying last minute when you peek-a-boo a page after another in less a second instead of knowing the lesson by heart.Even a prince look like half price garage sales for you.Love...is a lifetime company...finding the missing "other half of you".

Shakespeare in love :LOVING BEYOND PERFECTION OF IMPERFECTION

 Hi,hello...what is it feel like sitting in a glassy room ,full of colourful roses reciting shakespeare or hamlet ...which  praise beauty regardless how thou is like as long as thou is the ones loves by thee?how pretty....Shakespeare through his masterpiece,praising the beauty of her thou not by his eyes ,but by his heart.that made his master piece feel warmer as the decade passed by.Which man choose to write the poem on his love rather texting short word with no meaning?okay,straying from the main topic...sincerity?love?Sometimes,there is a moment that we wish to trust the beauty of fairytale as how love supposed to be not some comforting tool or sleeping lullaby...on a space like NEVERLAND that someone could choose to be what she love and love what she choose...a space where you are not judge by expectation.A space where perfection and imperfection was well-loved equally.
     But when thee really in love with thou, neverland is where both hearts travel to.That is true love.yet,it couldn't hold more than two heart.Yet,it couldn't hold two heart wishing to exist for more than one.this is where 2=1.A Neverland where thee saw thee and only see how thou is the missing part of her for all this years,and no one would question how pretty the puzzles are ,when it is completed.To be completed,it complete everything.whether imperfection nor perfection ,it doesn't matter as long as you completed each other.TO-BE CONTINUED.....
 mood: lovey dovey...shakespeare love mode...

Seeking for happiness:lifetime decision

    Hi,hello.nega watta.a few days ago, I watched the last episode of “princess’s Man”…to the scene where the “kongju” and her husband (half dead) ended up in the prison.She have to made a decision who  could determine the life of her man,herself and her unborn baby: should she try to stop her man from his fight which reflect his self the most for the sake of their life?or Should she let him go knowing this definitely will bring the end of her man’s life and the starter of fatherless life  of her baby?She have travel miles of journey,longest day to be letting him go just like that but she loves him knowing that there is an end of the road.I asked myself…and yet,I didn’t any solid answer eventhough I did try imagining myself in her shoes.Why?when “kongju” have a baby inside of her,so,she should begged her not to go,right?Grabbing the man I loved away from his dream he have shed blood for. For something he did give his life for…is like ordering him to stop living his self,didn’t it?didn’t we love our man because of hisown self (character for who he is)?Could you bear being his “what if”…everytime he stare the sky in the evening,sighing? Yet,Could you bear losing him to his own fight when your baby is growing out of hardness not having a father and you….crying over his picture everytime the memory strikes?See…even I think it over and over,I couldn’t get any answer….love is too complicated…it neither can be too easy nor too hard.

     Oh..ohh….talking about similar kinda stuff…”nampun namja”,am I suddenly in your list again?Suddenly I am qualified to be at least your spare time list?you throw me away and you picked me up again?Am I your trash ,ya?The first time,I was smiling and I really am…I even went to work with new spirit,it was like I am ejected with new kinda energy.I become lively again.I feels like a person again.I worked that day like my energynever gonna finish forever.I have the person nega puggochiposo… again even  in such hair-thin kinda connection but I was thankful.i was thankful that now, I can go to his wedding someday,whispering to the song “raja ki aeyegi barat” with accepting heart …of a friend rather than just as a person who is letting her love go.Let him go and dance with all your might to wish him a happiness.

http://youtu.be/xp_LarNCtsM

Raja^[1] ki aayegi baaraat

Prince Charming’s wedding procession will arrive

Raja ki aayegi baaraat

Prince Charming’s wedding procession will arrive

Rangeeli hogi raat

The night will be festive/colorful

Magan main naachoongi

I will dance joyously

Ho, magan main naachoongi

Oh, I will dance joyously

Raja ki aayegi baaraat

The prince Charming’s wedding procession will arrive

Rangeeli hogi raat

The night will be festive/colorful

Magan main naachoongi

I will dance joyously

Ho, magan main naachoongi

Oh, I will dance joyously

Raja ki aayegi baaraat

The Prince Charming’s wedding procession will arrive

---------------------

Raja ke maathe tilak lagega

A tikka powder ^[2]will be applied to the groom's forehead

(Rani ke maang sindoor^[3]) x.2

(Sindoor will be put in the parting of the bride's hair) x.2

Main bhi apne mann ki aasha

I will also fulfill

(Poori karoongi zaroor) x.2

(My heart's desire) x.2

Mehndi^[4] se peele honge haath

With henna, my hands will be colorful

Saheliyon ke saath

With my girlfriends

Magan main naachoongi

I will dance joyously

Ho, magan main naachoongi

Oh, I will dance joyously

Raja ki aayegi baaraat

The Prince Charming’s wedding procession will arrive

---------------------

Rani ke sang raja doli^[5] sajaake

Adorning his carriage with his queen

Chale jaayenge pardes

The king will take her away to a foreign land

Haan, rani ke sang raja doli sajaake

Yes, adorning his carriage with his queen

Chale jaayenge pardes

The king will take her away to a foreign land

Jab jab unki yaad aayegi

Whenever her memories will come to me

(Dil pe lagegi thes) x.2

(My heart will yearn with pain) x.2

Nainon mein hogi barsaat

There will be rainfall of tears in my eyes

Andheri hogi raat

The night will be dark

Akeli main naachoongi

I will dance all alone

Haai, akeli main naachoongi

Oh, I will dance all alone

Raja ki aayegi baaraat

The Prince Charming’s wedding procession will arrive

Rangeeli hogi raat

The night will be festive/colorful

Magan main naachoongi

I will dance joyously

Ho, magan main naachoongi

Oh, I will dance joyously

Raja ki aayegi baaraat

The Prince Charming’s wedding procession will arrive

     As soon as that happened,that night,I dreamt of him.Rather than comfort feeling I used to  feel,I dreamt of him with a wary and anxious feeling of when he gonna be “dismissing” me from his side.it was like I am falling into a deep hollow hole and every day,I can only  climb 2-3 step…and now,my feeling is all over the place.As much as I am happy and want to be in his list, but if he “dismiss” me again,it was like falling again to that hole when you almost crawl out.When I didn’t know any reason for that…

     May be he start noticing before…though I did keep it well,Who know?Even before my feeling developed toward him , someone feel uneasy ALREADY…even BEFORE….funny…yet,it took longer time before I ended in this road.But…if he knows…he should know one other thing.WHEN I CHOOSE TO LET MYSELF LOVING YOU ,I HAVE GIVEN UP ALREADY ON MAKING YOU LOVING ME BACK.it is too much of expensive wish.WHEN I DECIDED THAT MY LOVE TO YOU COULDN’T BE RESTRAIN ANYMORE,I PROMISE TO WORK FOR YOUR HAPPINESS ,INSTEAD OF MINE AS LONG AS I WAS ABLE TO SEE YOU.WHEN I SWORN  TO LOVE YOU, I KNOW I’LL HAVE TO LOVE YOU BY MYSELF ONLY.So,if you think of me wanting to steal you from your yeoja,you are insulting my love.After time passed by till now of me loving me,another “cause” have stray me a lot for wanting you.a “cause” that I always promised myself to given up my love with…I did it for you and that.After long time,I just want you here as a friend….that is it.Just a simple request….oh..i get a lil too emotional ,again?huh…

     Today,I am really out of mood.from starting of day to now,I just….not in the mood.May be because of this fever.May be from the boyz.i noticed the fever –flu-cough is spreading again.I am not feeling good…at least not too much.talking bout work,I noticed one more thing, I and that kid,”specky snobby”…arghh..such a weird kinda connection?As it seems like we want to talk and we’re willing to…but when we do,it just become so serious as if we are talking about world war 4 ,when we are just talking about simplest thing in the world.He was no longer snobby but it feel weird to be more friendlier to him…when I heard my tone talking to him..TOO SERIOUS….why?didn’t know…yeah…too weird…others…yeah…warm…nice chat…even with new ones,that “M voice” ,it is easier than him.Watching “anygry boy” in his yearly book,yeahhh..missing his rudeness act again…heehehe..dongsaengi…ouri dongsaengi…

p/s: my sis, “demonic diamond” called me second mother for lil goddess.That is too much of a title for a bachelor like me.i keep my silence to that call.Eventhough I am current doing it (what a mother do) but to officially announce it,too much….

Missing the "fairy":tale of Imaginary Rapunzel

      Hi,hello...Today,work is nothing much difference than yesterday.i could say....this year dongsaengi a lil bit hmm....not the fun type.Much of them is too polite while i prefer rude but respecting,weird like "angry boy"...or...calm like "Park Soo ha"...What is could say,all my dongsaengi last year more like snobby bad boy kinda as if they are coming out from any cool manga or korean drama.More entertaining going to work knowing you gonna watch a weird action coming from "money person".hheeeheheee....even when there is one of them was really rude.I like it as it look like a scene from korean movie...funny.As if "The heirs" coming alive there.this yeat,so far.....they are just like normal polite student.I feel like that.the new ones for now...are loud...too loud...bored.
     i bring his picture in my phone to my work place...crazy,huh?hhahaahahaaaa....it is not like i gonna kiss it all the time.Feeling like he's around,i feel safer and more myself.With that feeling,at least i am not trying to keep my virtue too high that i begin to lose my balance.I'm not trying to fall in love with him...i just want to feel safe...and warm sometimes.I want to feel like i have a place to turn to.heart,keep your role of separating the part well,okay?i didn't want to ended up like mom.
    Mom said,that once she decided to lend her heart to a man she wish she can settled down with,that is only for once a lifetime.That person is my father.Unfortunately, my father was "blinded" to see that time.My mom eventhough she was "role-model" mom in my opinion,but,she is "the best wife ever in the world".For now,i am praying ...and praying not to ended up like that for this case ( nampun namja).it is too pathetic growing old  alone looking through the window,while he  build his fairytale castle on every drop of my tears (Which he will never be aware of).As my heart is closed (under construction),i am getting worried as i am a bachelor who turned her face from "lovable living things".What kinda bachelor is "brave" enough to do that?In my mom case,it is worth a lifetime although they were separating,as they are blessed with 4 "present from god".Me? What does it worth of all this things?In order to open another book,i have to learn to close another ones first.
     Lately ,i just realized for 23 years of my life, i never envy even a person in my life.Everytime,i looked a person with advantage or anything i don't have,i grew stronger.in my eyes,they are someones with something better yet, me too...born with very unique personality too..for example, i like "cat lover"'s innocence behavior, or ...yes,mostly ,someones's innocence behaviour,because in this rotten world,being innocence is like living in neverland where you never grow old.But really,lately, my mood swings or behaviour have been a roller coaster especially with omma...poor her.(it is not like i yell but my silence usually more painful than my scream).May be because of the "moving on"?may be.May be because her super stressing royal order?may be.May be because of her returning,"catwalk chic"?I don't know.Or may be because i've given myself too much for "lil goddess" that there is a time i wish someones would pat me lil?may be...her too....omma sometimes could be pushy a lil.For 24 years,i have love and proud as myself more than ever (may be that's why i never envy others),but she is trying to change me more into "poddles" that could catch eyes of other "dogs".Someones who fall for beauty only,didn't he a "dog"?Just sending me to just anyone,would it settle your burden,omma?May be if you say "thank you" it would be the best present for me.May be i wouldn't be so weary.
     but for now,the best wish i could have is a vacation...to some beaches like Pulau Perhentian with "7 stars"...really needed it...travelling ,walking side by side on broad day light...and night?watching some movies till late at night with a few snacks...how happy is it even to just imagining it....it is a happy thought.I am planing on a trip but being alone on a trip is just a waste of beautiful view.Travelling alone is ...errrgh..."cat lover" is financially not ready to travel far or for this moment.yeah, now,we have to live our reality,right,"cat lover"?We all does...

As i am writing the title,i am thinking...and.yeah, i am exactly like Rapunzel living in the highest tower ,dreaming  of the world she haven't see,missing someones she wasn' unsure of....painting the wall with a chalk ..For far of her tower,she could see the colourful circus going on,not knowing what exactly it is like,she dream of it day n night...and if i am the rapunzel,i'll....i'll ...climb down the wall and life the way i wanted...Although for now,the wall of tower might be high but someday,i will jump it...and live the way i wanted to.

TRAIN OF LIFE: a map heading to my heart

   Today,i watched "Waiting for love by BoA".My eyes tear up a lot.That drama deserves an Emmy Award.It tell how real life in such a fairytalic way. Do you know what is it feels like forcing yourself into someone that barely touched your heart?Someone who neither working on the key of heart nor feels like he is ever be part of you yet,everyone keep telling you he is the right ones?And yet,your heart is loving someone soo unreal? Or do you know what is it feels like forcing yourself into the life you never cross your mind to or wishing to?What is feel like having your life going on here,where your heart could tell  heaven and earth of difference from the ones you sketched?it feel like you are standing in the train station ,waiting for the train that never come.You wait.....and you wait....and you wait...till the world that at first,is as colourful as rainbow turning into grey in colour.
 You hope to get over with,but you are will just ended up stuck there if you stop.Eventhough there are slight sense in you telling that your train have left the station.....but you can never give up because it
means you are surrendering your destiny to be just grey and leftout.That is for more you than getting in the train who will colapse in the middle of the way...it far more worse than having to walk on yourown.Sometimes,you feel like your heart coated with a wax that avoid you from experiencing any sincere feeling and just serving responsibilities like basic food.

    It is frustrating....and stressing....because sometimes,like "Waiting for love",although it is beyond reality,we hope there is someone waiting for us in his red umbrella,waiting with thousand of smiles.Sometimes we wondering if the road we take was travelling by "ouri namja" sometimes ago...or we might pass on the street not knowing that someday fate will bring us together.i means,i used to do it...BELIEVING THE FATE.Everytime ,i went to some place beautiful or new like the beach "7 stars" used to go ,i will write my love's name on the sand or ground as hoping that the trip of mine with him in my heart is as if it was his travel too.i'll be there experiencing it for both of us.Someday,long ago,i was a person that hope for miracle.

    Lately, i've feeling like getting myself trap in a world that is so loud.Everyone is louder....sometimes too loud.EVERYWHERE...yelling everywhere when none of those were for me...but the loudness contaminate my peaceful world or thinking.i dislike people yelling as the more you are yelling ,the more uncivilized you are.if yelling or fighting could solve any problem ,why the mafia always ended in the jail?Are you a mafia?Shikkuro....miwwoooyoo...i never heard of any yelling person or angry "birds" is a happy person.....Why you choose to be unhappy bringing unhappyness (okay,made up words) to your surrounding?Life is short.Even if it is as long as 1000 years,there is no use of it without any happiness.There are reason why God made you move lesser mucles when you smile...
    And eventhough i am moving on him (nampun namja),yet.....when i was floating beyond my stress level,i am still thinking of him...as someone who made me really really (jinja....) happy.There is still times,that i hope he just appear...just appear in front of me.It doesn't matter if it mean i can only look him from far.So that,i could somehow smile again.If someones ask me to adress on how happiness was,i would say "the time that he was around".i used.
    But as i am moving on him,other problem  arise....i have given up to love...almost entirely.it is a bad new for a 24-y old.I'm more focusing on raising mu niece, "ouri lil goddess" too much for a bachelor like me.I am almost a mother for her.The things her mother left unsettled,well,i am picking it up one by one...This wasn't a right thing to do at all...right?My day  is about preparing her thing for school,picking up her with my mom,then another school and now,checking her homework...I have giving up on him ...but the problem is my heart is settled down with love...How?How could i solved this?I was fired up anymore,i wasn't as eager as a 24-years old should as if i am missing a piece of puzzle...but i shouldn't comeback on loving him,as although i tried everything to improve myself,but the pain is killing my heart an inch by an inch...What should i do?ottoke?chaebal.....ne?

LIVING THE HEART....sweetening bachelor with full hands of a mom

 Hi,hello.Today, "short armed namja" do something so sweet.So....sweet...sweet...I  was walking toward a car to take a few light bow of bread.So,somehow,we bumped into him.He who was suppose to just pass by,...returned and asking to help.My first thought,brrphh....yeah,that's what a man supposed to do.So?He is man..at least compred to dozen trillion man outside who just normally pass by and think ,"yeah,that's look heavy".It was like putting ENOUGH sugar to unsweetened tea.But then,with a box on his hand,he offered to to take mine,so thar he could carry more than us ,the woman.SSSSo Sweet....that...is what a gentleman would do.Now i understand by what,"cat lover" said by ,"gentleman could be realllly really charming ".That moment,he's charming though.Adding to that,he is not that type.My sis said, he is not that type that bother people aaatt alll.He even stay for a while to help me  with the customers before leaving after a while.Not only he dislike to socially mingled with people, he just like being hisself.But,eventhough it is hard to reach a conversation with him,but when we do,it is fun.For now,it is fun to chat....is it okay right for "moving on"girl?
   
        Today,my "lil goddess" is gone for a few hours to religious school.Mom is a lil bit worried but for since ,if she is safely arrive and in class, it is a done jobs.Worrying about making friends,is her survival and communication skill into the game.I used to have to do it.My lil sister used to have to do it.At first,it would be lousy and bitter experience of the owkwardness but it make you stronger.Didn't they?Today,i played mom hard or starting yesterday?or for so long?Ever since she started her school,i have been tasting the steam of iron for her school uniforms every night,picking her from school with my mom,feeding her food, dress her for religious school,make sure she properly entered her class and wait for a few while (just today's schedule ONLY)...Yaa!!!!tha nega thal ya?nega!!!nega???the funny thing is,usually in movie,there is bunch of moms lining up on bench in ballet class,gossiping or whatever ...waiting for her daughter...i've DONE IT.What a mom's tasks that i haven't done it yet? One and only,giving birth.Poo Poo?done.Put her into sleep? Always.the sound of "MY SLEEPING ORDER" and a GOOD NIGHT KISSES is the one of few things  she will do before sleeping..With who?Me.Punishment?i even have my won rules on her and she obeys it well.Mom asked a few times, "since when we've "raising a kid" in our life list?What an old ajhumma like mom and young bachelor like me do to end up REALLY REALLY  raise a kid? A love ofr my " lil goddess" is one reason to do ,but another is because of her.She is growing old to raise another child.And yet another is coming.I didn't know what will happen in future but for now,my decision is "i wash my hand".I have involved myself to much with my "lil goddess" ...too much that when she is in "real tear" or " injustice",it make my heart aches.Not looking her face ,making me anxious,if something bad would happened ...hmmm...that is too much of emotional value to be taken into consideration than works for non-biological "thal"  i have or mom.though it is tiring sometimes,i am glad we have one another ( mom and i) in hand...yet our wise and smart "lil goddess"
      I'm still in moving in mode.I can't write much as i am trying to avoid on remembering.The effort is still going on.
     As i am living life now, a girl is brutally raped and the case is going under the hidden blanket for the sake of school and everyone.What kind of BEASTLY ANIMAL that could ruined life of 14-years girl?Just living 14 short years,her future is supposed to be far more beautifully designed ahead and some ANIMAL come and easy molesting her life? to that beast, i  hope you die slowly ..drop by drop...die of bleeding..yaaaaaA!!!!!!!intead,they put the rumour of her  suiciding...BULLSHIT!!She is raped.waking up of that,she should face "suicide accusation" and keep herself and mouth tight inside about her tragedy.Survive!! Don't listen to others as they  didn't face the same path.Be strong,girl!!!
     Just few minute ago,my mom just asked me to ask me to just snatched "nampun namja" away...more to seduce him.I didn't like the idea of seducing a guy that way.Marriage should start with a beautiful love.At least,i want it that way.I didn't like the idea of guy looking for my thigh instead looking into my eyes.I want a marriage till the death do us apart.Beside,i am not  fairy goddess...like my lil sister,my heart is not  emotion machine that could go on and off with a button.Please...chaebal..omma,your "force" might ruin every feelings and memory that could blossom. or not.Nothing is go on unless it is fated even you play the game the hardest way.

     

   

THE FIRST DAY OF.......

        Today,the first day of my work,officially..eventhough i was urged to work starting yesterday.It was like a shock after a month and half off duty.I almost cursed out of tiredness.There are some old faces like "rugbi ajusshi","footballer" and "gentle voice".I haven't been able to see "pedofilia kid" yet.Eventhough without "beautiful pak soo ha" or "angry kid", things seems like more calm but it just the first day...since "young Prince" is around.And what did i see today...omg...that "gentle voice" just have that gazzee with that deep voice....yaaaa!!!i know you are this romantic type...but don't try applying to me...(i am the master of seduction, so ,i learn that trick earlier than you are..i seduce well for my kind of look)...it is like tasting the water with the swimmer...but it is made my day brighter n funnier..it hard to me smile these day...But for the first few day,the last-year boyz are more like rough badass...that type are a lil bit entertaining and INTERESTING  than nice ones..hehee..but who knows since it is only the first day?Dongsaengi....ouri dongsaengi....they are fun to watch...
    But working there...it is fun with everything...it pay good...i could made my own decision,at some point,it feel like i am myown boss , i could be proud working there yet,sometimes,it is emotionally tiring.I have to look up for the older as my superior is a lot older,the "songsaengi" are older and about the rest, i haave to look after for all these dongsaengi...For the sunbaenim, i need to offer same respect for them especially they are the customer..eventhough they are always warmer..for the dongsaengi,i need to at least reserve some respect in order them to learn eventhough they are a lot more open...as i am older...it just sometime,i was like,...."it's a damn cold night!!!try to figure out this life...don't know" .. (Avril Lavigne,let go).I was like i am  a native with different language as we speak different music,craziness or background.Eventhough dongsaengi sometimes chang!! but yaaa...they are still boyz...boyz suck at girls talk..since they are boyzzz..i know it is impossible to hope the same friendship..yet.sometimes,it just "a damn cold night".
   Oi!!!!Oi!!!is it a korean war?egghh..hyo...hyo...stop yelling...you didn't give birth to slave,you know,right?in case,you are forgotten.And a few days ago,they fought (with mouth or discussing TOO LOUD...although it wasn't rough or someting) at dinner tables IN THE DAMN MORNING ( accepting it forcely since it is what family like).Being exactly in the middle,I don't give a shit.Eventhough at first,i am kinda anxious girl,but as i'm staying with my family...nope,everyone who stay with my family,later on,will not give a damn.During the peak of loudness or yelling or slavery or something, just lay on your bed and sleep.if they doesn't go quiter,continue sleep.That is it.IT IS JUST FAMILY GOING ON.As long as nobody dies,it's fine.Today,for the first time,i missed the first day of my niece going into primary,i regretted a lot as i haven't miss even one since i got back here.Sometime,i wonder,if i have ones like her,would i be able to love as much as i love her?I have ironing,and even when i was in high school,i NEVER iron myown school uniform.

Shhhheeeiirro!!!Miwoo yoo...but since i wasn't able to be with her for her first day,i keep on ironing her uniform a few times up to the hidden part  till it look as if it just comes out of factory.No single wrinkles...no..nothing..that is when my heart said that," that is how it felt.That is how my mom must have felt.When we love someone so much, we will give up everything and do anything as long they get the best there is"...
    that kid that used to sleep in my arm is grown up now...When she does,will she remember me that would do anything for her?Will she remember me who take the beat instead of her?But looking her copying everything i did (especially the bad ones),her sparkling eyes when she eat my dish,hearing her asking me buying this and that when i get rich (when her mother is good source),When she look for my hand to hold as soon as she step out of car,I SMILE...any person won't ask for more..