A LETTER BEFORE NEW YEAR

        As expected,this is a letter for you,"nampun namja",A letter before new year before i'm hpoing as the NEW year bringing the freshness and the wind of january,i'm hoping the same for you.Is it any different than before? Yeah,i'm hoping in every letter i wrote to you it will be the last ones i ever wrote to you as my love.As for the arriving new year,i hope it would be the last.
     I watched the parody of Master' Sun by wooyung and the other girl.To speak the truth,i was the among 14 who dislike it.I'm feeling like as they are making a joke of the drama,they are making a joke of such love story ( as i always think of nampun namja as i watched the drama).They think is it funny to be so PAINFUL in love?Is it soo funny?No,it didn't.It is the pain that you coundn't in control with ...It is the pain that won't get over a long hour of shower,sweating in kitchen and days  of getting frustration at our ownself.To be feeling like he was the only "shelter" in this world,yet to be treated like that,the PAIN is so much that it compete for mere space than LOVE is.And i watched "the winter,the wind blows" where Oh Soo  said to Hee Sun, he would leave Oh Young ,so that they would meet again someday...even if they only pass by on street.So that,she could tell him,"how happy her life now.".i felt it so many times that i'll pray that he wouldn't tasting the 'down' of life.I was so afraid ,that he would be lonely in his life (because i know exactly how he is) ,that some of the times,it was me that ended up being lonely.I was afraid that he walk the path without any hands holding him ,that sometimes, i let go of the hand who try to hold me.NOW,I WANT TO STOP DOING THAT.i want you,"ouri nampun namja" to be in my memory.For that,i gonna write that word loud and clear,

" MY SWEET NAMPUN NAMJA,I LOVE YOU ONCE.I LOVE YOU ONCE THAT I'VE GIVEN MY LOVE, I'VE PAWNED MY PAIN FOR AND  OPEN ALL MYSELF FOR YOU.IT IS NOT BECAUSE YOU'RE HANDSOME (coz you are totaly the opposite),IT IS NOT BECAUSE YOU ARE RICH (your ordinary style defies all of that...i like the most bout you), IT IS NOT BECAUSE YOU ARE SUPER DUPER KIND (bcoz sometimes,your rudeness charm me the most)....
       IT IS BECAUSE MY HEART CHOOSE TO LOVE YOU,
           IT IS BECAUSE YOU MADE ME SMILE FROM HEART,
                 IT IS BECAUSE LOVING YOU IS BEYOND MY CONTROL.
Now,i'll treat you as a person i sholdn't love.Just aasuming i went beyond the border i shouldn't cross.there a fine friend, "loose ballad" said that " it is better not to think about love for now." i smile.He never love somebody that real.So,he won't know the feel of loving so deep,and the feel of afraid of holes that will remain as the "ones" leaves you.I am a lady of "crazy about you ~hyorin"..yaaaaa...So,it wasn't as easy as your loose heart,"loose ballad".Now,i'll treat you as a person i sholdn't love.Just aasuming i went beyond the border i shouldn't cross.That is it.
        Before, to avoid missing them so much especially ( regional goddess,cat lover,twin diary,slanted eyes,winter spiller,B-I-F ,Brownie In Fashion), i always though that the day after we being being away from each other,as a super long vacation.That one day,i'll comeback to the same place.and same smiles await.There will be the day that we laughed so hard that we are running out of breath,there will be the day that we hide our faces for eating in hut next to road on friday.As i could remember especially the third years,i had never eat alone except for...one?or two?or three? But for sure ,not more than four times of eating alones.I like it when we walk side by side on the road as if we will always have one another's back.They might not know it before,there was a time,i entered the poetry competition as i thought yes,,i am all shielded...but as soon as i was on stage,the first thing that my eyes rolled end-to-end of stage is for them.i was shaking like hell as they aren't there.It felt like i'm losing my backbone.BACKBONE...!!!!To me,all this long,they are my backbone.If nampun namja is conquered my entire HEART,they have always been my BACKBONE...They will always been.both of "7stars" and nampun namja to be combined that made ME.
as our goodbye-song "Aishiteru",even we are afar from each other,close your eyes when i miss them.I NEVER DO THAT.because being with them this whole 3 years,the 'ME" is made up from part of allof them. HOW COULD I MISS MYSELF?they are never far,not even an inch."7Star".
       CAT LOVER teaches me to  be warm to your surrounding especially the cat..( truthfully,before i met her,i hate cat that i once lied to my fiend that i hate cat becuase it killed my grandmother..bullshit.I was impressed a few times,with her and the meaning of family.She is warm.She teached me not to give up on person  how worthless they are....if Cinderella is real in this world,she could be her,the cat lover.)
      TWIN DIARY teaches me to believe in fairytale and gentle(she teaches me to be trustful that there is not even one of my secret skip her ,yet she was so gentle and fragile that i wish to protect her.She teach me,that sometimes,it is okay to be gentle,a women is made to be protected,right?
      REGIONAL GODDESS teaches me on being determine and being in love and beautiful (She teaches me,once you set your mind on it,you might split the mountain in two.Although she denies it over and over,somehow, i always think she was once in love deeply with someone.Because she is a good song interpreter Although it was unsure,that part of her i assume as the most pretty.She might not believing it too,i always think her as the most beautiful.)
    WINTER SPILLER  teaches on
being her ownself doesn't matter what. (She teaches me,to be our ownself in far more charming than pleasing other people.She is also as white as snow,yet she never used it to own a heart.She is someones with a good heart but own her own opinion.She care not about people perspective as long as we have ourself real.She is as sincere and sometimes pure as she looks)
  SLANTED EYES  i have considered her as my burning fire of competiveness.(She made me want to move forward.Eventhough she tend to be moody,but that is how family are,didn't they?She keep us ,our name up of course radar,by going here and there.She keep us together.She teaches me how important for the family to stick together happy or worse)
   B.I.F  teaches me on how being a woman is ( She teaches me that being a woman is not about the art of seduction  but by doing what a woman do.She teaches me the different between a woman and a slut.A slut might loose one or two her bra's strap but a woman?Woman is not only being s mart, quite okay face (loooking like the main singer of davichi) but being decent , good hands (kichen) and smooth word is also made you more woman)

        All this long,i am all of this.Being in new years,it doesn't mean that i have to throw all of "the trait" of theirs in a far far away memory,but i have to stop thinking that life is a long vacation.i have to stop believing that We are not going back to the place ,where we waved and hugged each other after a month or two vacation.As they are in my heart,i will assume they are by myside always ,so that ,i'll grow stronger and moving forward.This year new "azam" is loosing the grip of past and keep moving forward.We could never throw away our backbone but we used it to move stronger step ahead.Keep moving and moving....life is not long vacation,and your destiny is about moving to the future... :)
 
   

           

OVERRULES BY HEART:friend,love and family

  These few days,i feels a lil bit anxious.A few day ago," regional goddess" post a song for me,as a support for up and down unreached love of mine.A few emotional comment,a song made another bestfriend of us,"slanted eyes"curious.Curious enough to personally message me saying hi.
    As far we are chatting ,i knew where she want it to head to.She want to know...what are happened.Even since we met years ago,we became best friends.People said that in any relationship you will faced some clear days that make you want to relive the moments over and over ,some cloudy days that barely out of your hands.For me,whether it is cloudy or clear,everyday is a day worth relive with.I may have many bad sheets in my life diary but they made the rest of it worth more than a smile.The memories that i like is when we sit by rock ,looking at the ocean as if it would tell how our future might hold.They are the reason why i pictured ocean as the most beautiful nature that captured my memories.Now,having the need to keep something from them aren't too good of a feeling for me.there are some sense of guilty....there some sense of anxious...there are a lil bit of everything."Biane,chinggu ya".."chummal biane"...i know you are curios...it made me feel good,in the same time,guilty feeling for not telling struck me all over again.Believe me ,i won't hide my heart from you as you know it better than mine.but for now,it is the best for us.
      Today,i watched the same movie,Spellbound i watched a year ago ..now,on TV.Strangely,eventhough i watched the same plot,the same background and the same casts,yet it feel thousand times different.The difference?I used to watched it alone on my lappy,"nicky" and i watched it a few times by myself. That time, i think the movie is okay but not scary and nice plot going on.Watching with my family.....i am forgetting bout the plot.Why?Because we are laughing.My abnormal family...we laughed hard that it seems like i never watch it even once.It feels nice...because usually we have different genre in our pocket.And i am usually the black duck of the family compared to all yellowish ones.At the end,the "not-so-scary" movie turned out to be such a funny movie.How funny life is,right?With family or without them,even the everything didn't changed,but feeling changed,right?With a slight happiness,or a piece of sorrow ,it changed and the tiniest raindrops eventually changed the ocean,right?it is the same any person we love...With the love ones or with others,even EVERYTHING IS THE SAME but feeling changed ,right?It went bias to the person you wanted...And getting overrules by heart is a thing i struggling to get out with.I am strong ones and will...Aja!!1aja!!!fighting!!!Even it i am like "hwanggini",you smiles,danced and tell people about your broken heart....yet,as long as i am happy...

Am keeping this...

http://muslimvillage.com/2011/10/27/15806/10-ways-to-avoid-marrying-the-wrong-person/

FRIEND STATUS

   Today...how should i say this?Today,i have a cold conversation with a friend," happy -happy land".He's a good friend,and we meet and tend to be a friend because we're happy with each other.Unlike me who like to stay in static relationship,he want to move further.Not only the timing is wrong,everything is wrong.the feeling  feels so wrong before.Same with " fluffy sulk" before,it wasn't happiness at all.Going serious makes feels like i'm cheating on somebody when there is not even a thread that tied me...WITH ANYONE.it make me feel guilty.Toward who?Who?
    I wasn't expecting this today.For now,i am really emotionally tired with any love...emotion.Too tired.This love i tried to let go had been using only suck the entire energy,tears and smile.It feels like going on roller coaster ride for 20 hours straight.You feels like you want to puke,you feel extremely dizzy,you feel like you are tired.you feel like your ground is shaking,All you want is a deep sleep.For at least a moment,i want to rest.May be after a few moment,when i am ready to play,i will...but this time,i'll make sure to put some"medicine" by my side.I didn't want to dissapoint another person anymore because now,i understand the feeling.
    2-years ,being with "fluffy sulk",because he never made it to my heart,he was like my side dish.We fought numerous times but there is always no declaration.He knew,i knew.We talk hours on phone,but...at the end,it ended the same.The feeling didn't changed.My eyes was always fixed on one guy.Truthfully,there is one time,"fluffy sulk" called right in front of nampun namja.All my heart keep asking is "Does he (nampun namja) felt a slightly (may be 23%) of curious of who was talking with?".We ended up stuck on the phase i didn't to proceed.
     Actually ,at this pic,i am EXACTLY like her.I need to sleep to lose the after-effect of missing a person who wasn't next to me.It feel more safe to think his presence is still around...so that ,someday,i'll heal.
    I didn't want to do it anymore.i know heart is a fragile stuff...Once it bleed,it leaves a deep scar.Until i am ready,i like to look toward "short-armed wangja".Because he aren't my side dish,he wasn't "teman-tapi-mesra",but he is my muse.Though i know it was my place to ask,and i know my feeling isn't as far toward love...that love for him,but i hope he stay in my sight.At least,until i am heal,and able to love others.Who didn't want to end up with such a guy,but becuase he is such a guy,he is too pricy.
    i believe in one thing,there is a times for everything right.I wasn't entirely forgot him...but i will not start others.This time,i will love right.i'm sorry,"happy-happy land"...i hope we can continued cheering each other like we used to be.I am unable to give more than that,especially for you.Can you just be my friend?Stop being pushy because i have push my heart too much for my current love.it is getting tiresome ...

p/s:Going to retreat to somewhere nice....going picnic.i hope i can enjoy it much...and smiles.

Great Vs True

    Today ,I talk with “smart heels” .She is looking for somebody.She want to settle down.She was asking for “short-armed wangja” and if he is available.I went into silence mode.Eventhough he  wasn’t in my love list,but… I was hesitant.

      Because he is my muse.i’ve tried many times swaying myself into loving him or pictured myself next to him,but it ended up just like low-rating drama.He is some sort of assurance that I won’t running back toward nampun namja.I won’t.i can’t afford any tears nor heartache.I have enough a lifetime.is it not that he doesn’t make my heart pump hard,he does,he does make me smile once a while,but……Only god now,how many times I hope the love blossom right in front of us.but…there is someone who refuses to totally leaves.He will..he had too..somehow (I will make sure of that)..that nampun namja that like to put a huge stone on my heart.One by one,I am forgetting memory bout him,however,the feeling stick so hard,that it feel like it eat my heart inside out.That feeling….If you want to stay,stop appear everytime,I seem to gotten over you,please.You wasn’t around and you didn’t intend to be around,so,could you let me at least learn to spark a love again...chaebal…

      After the leaking of secret,my heart just…keep having heartache.I was worry.This secret couldn’t leak anyhow…but if it does,it doesn’t only hurt my heart.It will ruin and damaged more…This bad love suppose to live secretly and dies when it suppose to unknowingly.That is what suppose to happen.somehow,this worry bring his name more often now after I managed to just remember him only once a day..and lightly.

    I have to remind myself over and over again,you are just a great love,not the true ones.If you are a great love,it doesn’t mean you will be the true.I’ll need you to pass through and … ,so that ,I am at least could expect the true ones with a willing heart.REMEMBER HEART!!!GREAT DOESN’T MEAN TRUE…

      May be I am like smart heels ,after all of this,I just hope to settle down once and for all.Actually,there many times,we discussed about marriage prospect.She think her biological clock have been running fast and it is time.All girl feels like that about their marriage.But feeling is a hard thing to figured or control.You only know that you have meet the right ones,when even you  have to marry the same guy everyday,you still choose him.Rather than feeling the need to share your life to another stranger,you feel that..”ah..finally your other half have come back to you.Why wouldn’t I meet you sooner” …he  make you feel like home even  both of you stranded in deserted land.Even someday,you hated his lousy habit or old slack,you will hate even more of yourself missing it even more without him.That is how love supposed to be with less agony nor conflicts.

.If you settle with any less than this,you will always haunted with “what if….” Question.

        “What if I travel more?Would I feel more freedom?”

                  “What if…I ended with other guy?”

   It feel merry thinking of such feeling.I wish some day,I could hand over my heart to such a person.

LEAKING SECRET...

     i figured she ( regional goddess)  already finished reading by now and sleeping.For the first time today,i feel really scare, anxious as i knew someone get through into my online diary.It suppose to be me and my diary...but i figured All  7 of them had known me to that much,that there r things that they could tell better than my own diary.
     What do my "once upon a girl" have?it just a story of me,my opinion and my story about my true feeling toward my love ones,the world and sometimes,a lil bit dissappointment.It is just my way of telling myown self that
    The me that like the rugged bad boy big bang is also a 'me' that like to listen to Davichi,
     The me that always listen Pink ,sometimes addicted to Demi Lavato,
       The me that looking like a sluggish messy slut,sometimes are girl in heels,
          The me who might torn other people apart ,sometimes also may be a person who like the ocea

 More than that,it is like "my goose dream,Davichi" here.it is the place where my finger run as fast as my brains intrepreting my feeling.This is the space where i led my hurtful fairytale go alive,my dissatisfaction pouring way beyond the lousy umbrella,where the truth coming straight from heart.Yet, as the life is,not all the truth are sweet to be heard by human ear as it could be hurtful.Anyone are not running 'enough life' if you didn't know that sometimes,human like to listen spiteful sweet word over bitter truth.Sometimes,it applied the same for me.People conflict are as complicated as human brain,so,a lil bit more adding bitter truth could jammed the entire system.It s just how human operated.I try to understand it now.Because sometimes,even me myself are unable to defined myself,may be there would be an answer beyond this words.
      I was oncw watching the shrek,where ,he call himself,a person with many layer.Over a few years,i am convinced am such person.There many layer to reach my "like" ,and there so much more layer to really interpret what kind of a person  i am.Because sometimes,even myself stuck in between the layer.

HATEFULLLL PERSON ON EARTH

     Hi,it's me again.Lately i show my spark of uncomfortable and dislike toward someone who i like to call,"old geezer" eventhough geezer is suppose to be used toward a granny.Who cares?
     I merely dislike him and his attitude doesn't help much into liking him more.I am the type of person who consider ones bad attitude once people are getting closer to my family circle.My family have enough tragedy ,and that should be enough.What do i mean by consider?i think no ones is goddess,so,when someones comes into my surrounding,i did consider them a human with flaw.But some with much more uncover flaw,rather then just hate them,i tend to be more "careful" especially ones that concerning my feeling.He is ones that many flaw.
     He seems to be to obvious when he bring us to sleep at his home before he slip into my family.That's so wrong.What made it more wrong is considering we are all women,he still sleep in the house.A real man would sleep somewhere else.Oh,yeah,he is an old geezer by the way.After that,he tend to be intimate in the living room ( though it is not that 'TYPE' of intimate),but "lil goddess" and i was there.Plus with your age,it look like a flirty old geezer,not romantic lovey dovey.Even other people may be like the wedding, they didn't want to watch cheap unprofessional romantic film in the house especially involving oldies.Yerk....Another minus point.
   Since he is oldies,he does act like ones.In the house ,other things didn't concern him, especially when and where the food are coming from as long it doesn't comes directly from his pocket.How comes he comes with "our omma" to the market,and dosn't pay.Hey,Old Geezer!!!i know you are as rusty as our omma,how can you act like that?Everytime...Does you ever thank ouri omma for cleaning the house,cooking,take care of "lil goddess" ,shopping for groceries in the house when you had so much FUN  with? 0.5 minus point.
   There is one time,he ORDER the shoes closet without giving any money AT ALL?are we your slave?Are we suppose to just say,"ye,turongnim..."Bullshit.When ouri omma said,"go buy it yourself together your so heavenly match" suddenly,it is forgiven to have such ugly thing.Not to mention ,he mention ,the kitchen is too dirty.BECAUSE WE WORK THERE ALL THE TIME WITHOUT ANY HELPER,YOU OLD GEEZER!!!!!You only stepped a few time,lesser than a minute,just to wash your hand,and it is too dirty for you?Ya!!!You're @@$%%&&&-in law...clean it then.Do you too have hands?Our omma have full hands to cook,keeping your @#$%-daughter alive,unabandones especially by you.Too dirty?Uoki ne...15 minus point.How funny is it you didn't realizes you have been only few months in house and you try to ORDER AROUND ouri omma?Ouri omma who survives ffrom appa?Are you try to order around  in the house who you did chip in even one cent,in the house which the funiture you sleep in come from ouri omma, be mad at "lil goddess" that are more pricey than my own life?Ueki neeee...

    And,one more thing,"lil goddess" is more pricey than my own life.Consider people who get my "like" is hardly find (I didn't consider liking peolpe randomly even blood related),she is more pricey than that.She have get all my" like" and you are giving him A CHEAP DOLLS .It only show how cheap you are.When i was in universtiy,with only RM50 in my pocket,to go home,to eat,to buy her present,i rather go hungry rather than buying her something cheap.In thsi world,nothinh compared to her.You are somewhat bitchy manager,comapred to just-50ringgit -student like me,you are buying her that much?And that incident you do,MY LIL SISTER saw it,when you take your hand  when she try to hold your hand.Old geezer,your hand are DIRTIER than her.How could you not even try to FAKE on loving her?You made her that low?Doesn't even deserved to hold your dirty hand?My 100-out-of-100 like?You are the worst deserved for her but she take you.I am the ones who back-up your wedding (can't even regret about it) but....hmm....
  You feel dirt holding her hand,that is how disgusted i felt on letting you in my blog...that is how i felt...for me,as long you does changed,you are always that low.I might love your "aeggy" that are coming,that i couldn't resist a cute baby (if she/he is),but i hope your genes doesn't spill too much...it is hard even to live with ONE person with such attitude,how come if it is two?Didn't it?

p/s: As you notice i never eat anything with you...it is not because you are the person i am shy with , I JUST DON'T EAT WITH PEOPLE I AM UNCOMFORTABLE WITH...it applies with everyone ,not just you.You are not that exclusive.I rather and like to eat with stranger as stranger who just do harm to a person they didn't know,i like to be shy while eat with person who i want to improve my image with (normally people who make my heart pump faster),i am most comfortable eating with a kind person such "cat lover",because you make my heart feels warm.

   

letter to unreached love

Today, i listen to Davichi's song with title,"is it still beautiful". I am forgetting 'nampun namja' nowadays..(though at least one day his name rang a bell,nevermind as long as i didn't cry over it) and some day, i'm forget him totally....i will forget how his name always trigger my tears,how his words always make me braver,  how his happiness worth more than mine,in case,one day, i eager to know on how did i once loved him after this whole memory pass by? Everyday, i am asking "is it still beautiful?" that is how.Though i am no longer "crazy over him ~hyorin",but still ...there were a day i wonder," is it still beautiful" eventhough, for him,i know it is.I just wanna ask..and another word,"Please do meet someone that are able to cover my shortcomings of a woman,then,i will be happy." Me?Being unhappy? the moment i realize my heart only cares for you more than myown self,i' ve known there is no happy ending for me.It is just another dangerous games i played to keep my heart safe from pain.Even if i had known that a huge pain await the end of game,i can't choose not to play because  of you....because my heart are no longer in my control."Nampun namja",thank you for all this pain.(for real).thank you for being that great love,thank you for teaching me that even my scarred heart are able to love so much...thank you for being that.Thnak you for always being honest eventhough some people around us didn't.

p/s:Even though,someday,someone betray you,remember that there was a "catfish" from the mud" who hold pure love that are as pure as pouring rains for you.So,never lower yourself below that,"ouri sarang",ne?

LIFE NOT WORTH LIVING...

      Have you wonder about LIFE NOT WORTH LIVING?i've ...a few times about my life.Not only that,i have even wonder once is it living or 'the other wise' better for someone with no values?Truthfully,i asked few times for me.Similar to Oh Young, i wish to be happy living my life but....i'm losing the reason slowly now...I ask  a few times that question.and a few times i asked,did someone notice if i wasn't around?Will someone cry for unworthy me?
     Then,i answered myself.Even dying is a hard thing to do especially when you're sick.You will be cost a lot.You have to have a looot of money tooo...It will cause your 'surroundings' a huge burden.'Surrounding' is what you call for those who have to stay with you without a choice.If there is a re-selection,will i get chosen?Will they still do hold my shovering heart,warming  my cold heart?
                Should i live happily then?You have to have someone who sincerely have you in their heart to do that or else,the loneliness will eat you up.You have to have your value,even so,can you be sure? For me,even it is for fake,as long it doesn't show,i'll be HAPPY~HAPPY LAND.Like Oh Young,i'll fake my brother as long he are willing to smile,at least pretending to care in front of me.Be by my side.Truthfully,from my heart, i did think happiness from the loved ones will owned by just one type of human.If was like happiness nowaday only come in the form of tempting dollars or beautiful seduction?Did they?I did say i am a fairy nor kind goddess who deserve to get chosen,but how about my bestfriend,'the cat lover'?She is a living goddess on heart,but they are blind enough not to see her?a small part in my heart,do believe short armed wangja is that type too.Of course,who didn't?Shiny dollars doesn't buy my desire to love,neither model-look...i just want someone who my heart willing to love?too picky....it wouldn't even bias over thick ringgit...It may got tempted by lovely face but it doesn't move a single real emotion.Does it being picky or being real?
                 Neither this,nor that,the greatest and low-cost punishment,is just to live your live miserably.Does love even exist for real,god?It does i think,bevause it make me feel so in pain.This is sincerely from my rotten heart.Omma,neun...chaebal nega sarang..ne?Could you not show your burden face eventime it come to me?Could you please not show i am not loved as much as other?I won't bother as long it doesn't show.Like a cat,i'll keep leaning eventhough you pushed me by your foot.But please don't show it too much that i'm ..that much of burden...that i'm a waste of time or money (even on interview letter or my friends),ne?Please?I'll pretend that you love me mucchh...Let me fly away from your nest if a worm is too expensive for another mouth.I know you won't bother a worm or two...but things about me that complicate you is burdensome.Din't they,omma?Let me learn to fly on myown....Sent me away to live on myown instead of keeping me here.You didn't do it?Your worry look  (over money will be used on me as i'm moving especially about the job offer things), your burden look (that world is too bad to be lived by me),Cigarrate Ashes ( there is no other men that i 'm worth their time with),THAT LOOKS is the looks that stop my step,burying my free heart.
    Rather than looking that expression of yours,i am rather be hurt by my ownself....alone.You...omma is actually THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON in my life.If you didn't approve my love,even it means i will never love again,i'll follow your leads,Omma.Even one word from you could cause a lot of tears for me...because in this whole world,you are the most important ones.A compliment (nice ones) from you will made me smile all day even the other critize me.
   Till my taste of guys,it related to you.I want a guy who love taking responsibility toward their parent,because not only him,there will be another heart that i will be able to pour my tans of love with.With him,i want to treat them with the world.Being one big family....how happy is that.

    He that is loved so much by them ,that he learn to protect emotionally-vulnarable person like me.Instead of prisoning me inside of glass and gold castle ,being terrified of getting a cut ,he holding my hand to face the danger.Instead of cover me by his body,we bleed together,so that,he will not be the only ones who is strong.Even i become strong ,even i change,despite my laugh,despite my tears,despite my insecurity,despite my confidence,

he will hold my hand tight.God,could you give me such a person?Please?I'll love him my whole life without missing a blink.If giving is too hard,could you borrow me him?ne?

FROZEN:TALE OF ICE QUEEN

Hi,hello.today,’nampun namja’ did the thing I waited him to do.All is this long,I think he was ignoring me because maybe…maybe ,somehow, he knew that I ‘WAS’ deeply in love with him,but today,through his action of like, I knew.Now,I’m just a girl who not worth his time even a split sec.The ‘ME’ that got teary (true tears….okay) every I listen to ‘touch love by Mirae’ nor ‘Crazy about you by Hyorin” because of him,is someone is NOT worth even a sec of his time.The ‘ME’ that easily willing to give up every beauty,every single dollar ,every single sec  on him is too wasteful to be glanced even at once.I was half crazy missing him,crying ,begging to god,to at least to be allowed on his side,is too trashy to be cared now.

      Actually,I feel like hell now.I was devastated,disappointed with my life.I feel like everyone think I’m a person who not worth their split second in home…and everywhere.Mom?Always.Once of the time that remains scarred in my heart,is when I asked why does she cares for my sister much more?”…..she wasn’t denying it..but “because she need me more.”Did I need to left alone just because I look strong? Because of that answer, I grew hardly alone in my heart. Nowaday,at home,who got man bows under her feet is the most popular.I’m sorry but I failed.My heart hardly love one person ,so,I’m not the person who are able to drag dozens of man around.I’m sorry.I have somebody in my heart.

     Even my brother, Cigarettes’s ashes  act wasn’t helping.He wasn’t even trying to fake his position as brother.Does I was too trashy even to be cared about ,brother?Could you fake it once in a while?Cause I will acted like it was real.Lately, I remain stomach cramp hyung.Till now,that I understand why he used to call me when we were in exam week.BECAUSE I CALL HIM BROTHER ONCE.i still remember his sincere voice,advicing.I was too young to realize such a good hyung be my side.

     My soul that love beautiful nature and freedom feel so trapped.It feel like losing my smile nor my laugh.For long time, I wasn’t laughing nor brightly smile anymore.I feel like my wings have been broken raw while I yell ,screaming in pain.Walking to the market is too far to go?Mom,my soul feel the same way you said.Happiess seems to far already from my gasp…i could never enjoy running in the rain, hearing to the ocean wave…nor looking the sunset.I am losing myself faster than I could heal.

   The me who like to be wrapped by the beautiful of nature while walking….

  The me who like to sink her stress by staring everything in weekend market….

 The me who believe woman should be pure and kind heart to be able to love….

 The me who survive herself alone through big city with a piece of fears….

Slowwwingly…..turning into frozen queen.She stay in a snow though she is lonely…and scared.Rather than the icy snow,the coldness of her heart make her more in painful.Just like Young (That winter,the winds blows), I slowly  just surviving my life instead if living it.i learn not to have hope,i learn not to ask soo much...

Tear drop....Prince of Mermaid

     Hi,hello,As you know,today,i have been concerning about well-being of a" missing boyz" and me being having a love chat with my friend,I made myself vulnerable to feelings.When i do,'nampun namja' name will appear that exact time...When my heart have a hole for feelings.
http://youtu.be/bzUExEdx_3Y

      At first i want to advice him not to settle down until you find the type of person who give you the same pain as "All love is the same" song is all about....but i stopped myself.I'm afraid he could find  a painful heartache i have going through.As the song said,even we avoided him,but at some point you will meet that one person.He defies all my taste type.He wasn't perfect at all,but in my heart,he is no,1 person in perfection because he made me brave enough to gamble with my feeling.And i lost!In front everyone ,i want to be protective but when it comes to him,i want to be protected.I have meet him.I HAVE MET THE PERSON WHO HURT ME DEEPLY.

ALL LOVE IS THE SAME ~YANGPA

 Please don’t cry, don’t be sad
Love is all the same
The more you give your heart, the more your heart hurts
It’s only love if it hurts

Put away your tears, please smile now
Even if love makes you cry
If you really loved, if you really don’t regret
Then that is enough

* Repeat

Tears falling means that you loved
Even if you try to erase, it won’t be erased
When you long for that person, call out their name
When you’re so lonely, close your two eyes

When you miss that person and want to hug them
When your heart keeps wanting to cry
Yes, just go with the flow
Just how your heart used to love

Don’t try to forget, don’t try to erase
Because that makes it harder
When you miss him/her so much, when you keep thinking about him/her
Just long for that person

* Repeat

Even if you don’t try to meet that one person for you
At some point, you will meet that person
Because if it’s a person who is not for you,
No matter how hard you try, you will break up

Don’t be upset, don’t be lonely by yourself
Love is all the same
Like a blooming and withering flower, it’ll come again
Time is medicine

Just as you long for that person, just as you miss that person
When time passes, you will forget somehow

If it’s a person who is for you, you will meet that person
If it’s a person who is not for you, you will be separated
That’s what love is, that’s what separation is

I'll get over with him.I will.When i will,i will be thankful with him.Because if i meet another love (instead being great love,the ones that is true),i'll appreciate him because beyond the other things, he love me.I'm not searching for the person who hold me by his money,but he hold me by his warm hands (making i'm richer even all we can do is window shopping).I'm not searching for a person who is charm me by his intelligence but the person who  charm me by the way of he thinking of me (accepting me as i am rather than thinking ways to change me).I'm not searching for the person with magazine-cover face but  the person with the face i want to last my whole lifetime (a person who will grew old ugly with me).I hope to find ones,the ones that give his heart to me for keep instead of tossing my feeling up and down before leaving.

MISSING BOY.....

   Hello,monday...At first, i planned to talk about something else...but i was shocked about one of the "boyz missing from the radar.I won't say he is a part of my dongsaengi list as we barely talk to each other.but.... i am sincerely concern about him.
    As for  our perspectives,we see him as an angelic ones,who didn't supposed to dissappear...so,when things like this happens,even me who barely close to him feel a lot of worry flowing down my veins.i do....i feel really anxious....i feel uneasy...

     Some part of me feels....i wish i know him better...better that i could guess his action out of his personality.I know i have so-little role in their life....but as i said before,i always think them as my dongsaengi...it feel like my lil brother went missing.my heart somehow feel really ..really uneasy.
    i keep on checking my fb in case some one from my friends'range would seen him somewhere.
    Oh,,,god,please return him back to his family.Please calm the anxious heart of their by his return.Please,god.

CARA MAKAN BUDU

INGREDIENT:
1)Budu
2)1/4 bawang merah /onion
3)1 biji mangga muda/mango
4)1 biji limau nipis
5)2 biji cili kecil

method/cara:
1)potongkan bawang merah cili kecil ,dan mangga muda (lebih halus).
2)tuangkan budu dan campurkan ketiga-tiga bahan sebelum memerah limau nipis.Ia akan membuatkan
   budu berasa lebih sedap.

SWEET ROTI TELUR

 Kanak-kanak mungkin menggemari rasanya berbanding rasa roti telur biasa tapi kena berhati-hati sebab gula cepat hangus.

Ingredients:
1)Bread/ roti (5 keping)
2)Egg /telur (2 biji)
3)2 t/s Sugar/gula
4) Minyak masak/cooking oil

cara/method:
1)Potongkan roti kepada 4 bahagian
2)kemudian,salutkan roti dengan telur yang sudah dikocok dengan sudu.
3)taburkan gula di kedua bahagian roti kemudian gorengkan.

p/s:perhatikan apabila roti dibahagian tepi mula bertukar kecoklatan,sila angkat segera.

7 types of woman.....

         Hi,hello,i'm here. In nowadays perspective,there are 7 types of women.it might be not similar different arrangement...buttt.....overall,it is how the world rules. :) ....eventhough it is hard to believe, people look what in wrapped around you before going inside your heart.Snow White?In reality,Snow White just died of poison.Why would people create hospital if love could do all?Cinderella?Grow old behind in old kitchen of her stepmother...or it might be too late when the prince realize there is a princess behind the servant apron...If you did go out (hidden in kitchen),even destiny couldn't forced a prince into you..right?okay,proceed......
1)Exclusive DINING...

What kind of women is an 'exclusive Dining'?The ones that sell the magazine,face products and give another women reason to hate while serve as every man's dream (as similar).Just like the quantity of exclusive dining (little),they just as small and normally walk in their high-heels.Just like exclusive dining,guy might be lining up but only certain that are able to taste her attention eventhough the quantity doesn't satisfy your hunger.Guys must own their own EXTRAORDINARY CHARM as their ticket in but it doesn't guarrantee happy end.This type normally labelled as TROPHY GIRL for guys as even a sip of exclusive dining means you win a lottery in front of the other.Though not all of this type of gold digger,though it might be one moderate lucky guys,but most of the time,they didn't doll up just to follow a husband's lead.This type of women normally own of desire point (either money nor love),once you are able to fulfill it ,you can keep her for good.

2) Cafe Bistro
    Similar to Cafe Bistro that sell breads,they normally shine by their one specialty and they play it well.They doesn't necessarily have exclusive beauty as 'exclusive dining',but they have enough to keep the love going.This type of women is normally one-guy women but she is not the type for one love forever.This is the most common girl on the planet earth.This type wasn't as choosy as they could ended up after 3,4,5 love trial.Pepole usually come 3,,4,5, times to the same cafe if the bread is tasty,right?Instead of being fulfill (like exclusive fulfill), this type of women are searching to fulfill something in man just as breads are used to fill our stomach.They are 'care-taker' but you must be careful among them,there are fake ones.this type of bread instead of filling your stomach,they could stuck as FAT.You only could taste the regret after you weigh on scale (get married).
~to be continueddd~

LATE add on...

 Our unuseful-hyungnim might spot my major 'fault' of mine...and i don't seem to bother.May be a bit....but it is all abnormal family to begin with.Who cares?Him?He is 50 % contributing reason of why this family is abnormal...In this family,the secret sometimes too big to be hear by ear.TOO BIG...the same fault i did commit (i admit) was admitted by my sister once,only she did know i caught her.I keep my silence.In general.it didn't suprised me ...somehow.MY family is unexceptionally abnormal.I'm not proud...but i lived with it everyday.

Woman Material....7 TYPES OF WOMEN

  Hi,hello....today i've been thinking about 'short-arm wangja'.Starting last week is a long holidays...there is one tiny minny palce in my place that worry,how he find the ones during this holidays?i hope not...
   And one more, 'nampun namja' is going out with her girl in other words,confirming their relationship.Sekki!!Fortunately,it didn't give me painful....painful...heartaches.Somehow,it annoys me.When i  think about it,am i his 'TOOL' to get to her?there is one time that he definitely used that...but the entire time...?Sekki....nampun nom..if it is the intention,BE HAPPY THEN,YOU BAD GUY...i hate this kind of act than play 'curse' with guys.
    I want to find someones who deserves me...how?If  keep my value low,right?What kind of 'things' that i have,that could hold the one person i want...?In similar case, if everyone have equal chances to pick ,where they gonna eat....would you choose exclusive restaurant with quality,restaurant with cheap foods (where cats running around), 7-ELEVEN (fast,but you can't stay to eat long), cafe bistro (with one type of food,most of it fattening),  hospital food,or trash can.And the definition is DEFINITELY different from girls and guys.Would you guess what kind of personality come out from this 6 places?continued to tomorrow...
   OH...One more,the fairytalic groceriess store....7 of all...

 Exlusive dining?

Simple 7-Eleven?

hospital food?

Separation:....the one end of the road

   Hi,hello.it's me again.I haven't been able to write in a few day.Today,i watch '2 DAYS 1 NIGHT' where Joo Won said his last good bye to his friends for the last time.Basically,it drown me in tears.I HATE IT.I HATE ANY KIND OF SEPARATION  from the beginning of time.It tear my heart especially it remind me a lot of friends  in my glorious era.
   
  i hate separation because it is so painful to get over it.It would be painful when the person we cared about eventually forgot about us.THAT IS HOW WORLD ARE CIRCLING...yet, i hate being forgotten the most.
      Lately, i finished my period of work for this year.It means, for some dongaengi i concern about,it would be goodbye for us.I hate it. i thought it won't matter so much as i know where i sits...but it hard.May be i told other how this kids are chaebol (come from money), truthfully, i don't care a bit.FOR ME,THEY ARE A MY LITTLE BROTHERS i always dream to have.For the outsider,they are elegant and graceful scholars but for me,they are my lil brother. sometimes,they are as cute as fluffy kitten like 'Park Soo ha', sometimes they are just like kindergarten boy like 'Rugbi ajusshi', sometimes they are cutely reckless, like 'angry boy'.

I like the most of them is how they work hardly as themself in anything they like,because for me,every cents isn't ours until we earn it ourself.Instead,how they work to make themself,the 'them' that they want s exactly impressed me.At the end of the day,i am the proud noona who able to be by side of her brothers.BUT DON'T WORRY ,SLOWLY I LEARNED TO COOP WITH THAT.
 Not to mention,my past relationship weren't as successful because of this,i think.When things got serious,i become so afraid.i hope short-arm namja could be the cure...he had been happy the last day.
but i am talking about the best----friends forever separation.Sometimes,i hate being forgotten by them,but as i watched Joo Won,i thikn by myself.In my perspective,they do seems to forget me...but do i think that in their shoes?For me,they are these person who leave ...without looking back.But don't i do the same?And what do i do to make them remind me as a good friend? Nope,i don't do nothing.And when we do have to start to move step by step,didn't i take the same steps also?As much as they leave me,didn't i leaved them the same way too?Worse,i made new memories as if the memories with them are forgotten when it wasn't true.Because of i met them, such a good friends, that i able to be a good friend to my new friends.The part of them in me that pass down toward my new 'chinggu' as warm love.that is that much they meant to me...every of my friends...if i want them to just stay in the past with our memory,it would be extremely selfish...because i will not be able to be there,it would be painful....really painful.i didn't want that.So,we have to move on ''on the same pace".Saranghae,chinggu ah....there always the good part of you remains in me....i'll always be a good friends....thanks to you...

     ps:Short-arm wangja,could you smile always...ehehehe..would be nice...

A letter to heart

       Hi,hello...today,short-armed wangja appear again.once again,i'm ( the best speaker) had came to silence mode once again.Why?i wish many times,my mouth could smoothly speak as it is but i became clueless.God,help me....please.Isn't love suppose to be simple?Since when does it become so complicated?I wish i have beautiful uncomplicated love like 'Kimberly chen: Ai ni'.Just ended up as pretty as it is.I wish....one not-perfect love.

      My lil niece,y  had cause more trouble again.For me,despite other's saying,she is as pretty as a garden of flowers but flower with extreme fragrance made us dizzy.She have this strong personality and she TALK endlessly..more than normal kids would.What kids that talk non-stop while the listeners is playing laptop with the earphones on?Sometimes,she has more than my patience should hold.I love her that one day without her,is not a day AT ALL...i swear to god...but sometimes,i asked my self,what does a 23-years bachelor ended up raising a-6 years daughter when she wasn't through to the phase yet?i went to every her school events.neglecting the youth supposedly i been through now.Yet,i love her to that much.And the talking? ...that once in a while,drives me crazy.Because of that,may be....i prefer a silence-mode baby such as Aish...so cute.Cried once in a while..all you have to do is tuck him in your arms and he is satisfied,have him as my baby is a wonderful life.Let him run loose when you cooked,when he is tired.tuck him so that he sleeps.how pretty...
     A kid ask me,to find someone to be my boyfriend so that,i could endure the boreness of the job...truthfully,that moments,i can't lie that i instantly remember .nampun namja.i couldn't lie that i'm not that eager finding somebody new...and though he's joking about his friends,my heart keep saying,"none of them,have his personality.so,nopeeee.....".he is a reference frame...that is hard to replace...but i believe someday,somebody will replace his 'importance' in my heart..could short-armed namja be it?glad if it does happen...that day will come....
   to the 'you'....let us love each other in an such unperfect love ,heading unperfect life happily, perfecting each other presence.i will be your DIAMOND for that,honey.

sincere songs on sincere love....

http://www.youtube.com/v/qdSnCtMjyIY?version=3&autohide=1&autoplay=1&attribution_tag=voeOG7YFYJveHUkGYXXPQQ&autohide=1&showinfo=1&feature=share
愛你(Ai Ni)-Fondant Garden OST [eng] Park Jung Min朴政珉&Jian Man Shu簡嫚書

Pieces left

       Nampun Namja....i've decided to keep him as part of my memory that will always means to be tears for me.'Nampun namja', he will always be my 'sarang'....until i meet my 'true ones'.I decided to keep him until my D-day expired,the day he GET MARRIED or the day,SOMEONES (I Hope to be short arm wangja) else managed to put the pieces of my heart Why i foolishly doing that?For now on ,the future will be one or two options,going to HIS WEDDING,

                   1)going pathetically alone ...

                    2) hand by hand with SOMEONES...

someone who  shelter me from all the pains in the world.i COULD NEVER BACK UP  again in my life if i choose the first ones.I would break hardly that i would lose my purpose of living.

I want to find

       somebody that wouldn't let me LOVE ALONE anymore

       somebody that think i deserves all of HIM and SOMEONE BETTER

I want to find somebody better.So that,i could look to HIM and HIS YEOJA,'i find somebody better who love me endlessly and unconditonally....SOMEONES that i could look into his eyes and saw my reflection (being pround to be his girl)....soemones PROTECTING me from my own fear that he could see'.

     ' I HAVE TO CHANGED INTO SOMETHING VALUABLE, 

                      IN ORDER TO BE NEXT TO SOMEONES OF THE SAME VALUE'

Even diamonds who shine if someones didn't dig it from underground.I'll be the DIAMONDS...that shine to the heart deserves my love.

         Short-Arm wangja is using teribble words to be used to namja to yeoja...is it because he is a lousy guy? is it because i didn't look 'that way' to him?Am i that kind of yeoja?i hope because he is lousy...is it possible?Sad...because if you keep that words going on,it is a sudden turn off to any feeling .

   p/s:Pray hard for all my dongsaengi...especially 'Park So Ha'.Please do well so that ,i could cursed you freely when you forget me in future. 

La 'Pancakes' De Familia... :)

Hmm...hari nie buat ape ye?hmm...nothing much to bother...tapi demi untuk mencapai GOAL aku,besok aku nak try balik rumah jalan kaki ,lepas kerja.AJA AJA FIGHTING!!!!Waktu kerja terasa boring jugak sebb dak2 exam...biasenyer diaorang yang suke wat havoc..hehehe...gonna miss them a lot though.
   Hari, tengok my lil 'park so ha',ulangkaji,nak exam katanya.Selalunyer tengok die nampak realx ajer.Normally him,'Mr.smiley' and 'pelanggan setia' made my day.Knowing them and the rest gonna do better,i can help to ask 'quenchana,dongsaengi?'.

   Malam ini,boreness that struck my sister finally showing positive side.She cooked us, her self-made pancakes and i fried some french potatoes (markah tolak untuk diet).It nothing much but the feeling of setting tables together always the best.hhehehee..hampir-hampir mustahil nak diet bile adik aku balik.





  Ya Allah,kuatkanlah hati aku dalam satu hal ini ,Ya Allah.Ya Allah,bantulah aku kerana ku tahu itulah yang terbaik.Aku tahu,untuk yang terbaik,maka,aku haruslah yang terbaik.Oleh itu,bantulah aku.

SHOULD'VE SAY NO~~~Love knock hard.....

       Hi,hello....sleepy and sleeping day for me,today.Originally,i want to write a little bout someone i called 'short-arm wangja' but currently,i listen to a song that reminds me a lot of my 'nampun namja'.I want to write this post TO REMIND ME not to FALL with this kind of love again because it will know me hard.

      Even remembering him upon this song make my stomache hurt so much.I cried hard almost every night watching the Master's sun as it reminds me of him A LOT.I have shielding myself hard that anyone barely penetrate the first layer even my mom.There is once time, that i cried so hard  (my eyes started swollen) but when my friends came,automatically,my smile grew instead of tears,and that is how i shield myself.Because PEOPLE when they say they will stay for your emotions,they are lying.No one want to hold others people tears when they have their own,right?Everyone like happy things.No ones will stay with those with constant tears.
      But him....he sort of  there even when it's raining, stormy and sunny.He used to be only ones that will listen to my sighs and work on it.He is the only ones that didn't run like my father did.He is the only ones that i think, will bother to ask rather than just 'EXISTING' like my brother.And both of that figures,made up the picture of MAN most in my life.He is the opposite.Rather than just 'EXISTING',he cared.Rather observing me fly,he teach how to use my wings.For the frist time,i wasn't afraid and ready to fall hard because i know he is there  for me to heal.Rather than cursing, he said 'i am a person who hardly listen to others'.
     To me,he used to be my sky (SINCE I KNOW I HAVE TO MOVE ON).You know how the sky is?The sky....always there in what ever weather...just there.For the first time,someone made me feel COMPLETE,so complete that i don't need another thing in this world...For the first time,i been happy so much that it reach the deepest core no one ever made it.I like him just this lot to the extend that i love his scar too.i just happy having my sky.
    That time,if he (if he flat brokes) , and the almighty SO JI SUB (that successful) open their arm reachimg me, within a sec of thinking (may be i ll think in 5 sec), definitely i run into his arm.Zero doubt at all.I will be happy even in a lousy hut.For so long,he standby me and i foolishly think fairytale could happen since i have this once true love.He was and will never be into me.Even i know it,i foolishly pray that he will just stick around (please just EXIST  for me to continue loving him).I pray to God, i won't ask for more, i won' be greedy.I will keep him well by restraining my love.I did.I helped him with his love.I prayer to his love (he want).i'm pathetic but i don't care until one day,HE STOP EXISTING just like that ,even as someone who was helped once.i didn't know why but he decide i'm no longer important,i'm no longer in his 'care' persons list,I was NO LONGER WORTH his time.Just like that....afterall, those..Even as friend,even a bystander,even as his lowly subject, there is no room anymore for me.I cried missing you for days and now,i am just another stranger to him...and yet-to-come future,'NAMPUN NAMJA'..jassshik.
      It is true,he is the 'sky' but i forget that he is the 'sky'.Even he was there,sky are meant for everybody.Even i looked the sky though the grip of my fingers and it looked like it's mine,it never be.for the start,i am not should to shield with you,sky.At the end,i was drenched wet by your dropping of rain.

    THIS IS MY REMINDER TO STOP.i will hold my heels up high beyond your sky,looking up high.There is another skies i could explore,another ground to discover,another winter to be breath in ,another road to be travelled and another HAPPINESS TO BE FOUND.i'll shine my sapphire,so that i'll  glow more than any oher presence anyone could be...AJA-AJA FIGHTING.
http://youtu.be/GyKG9M57zus

First Step....Prethenselia Amazon...

5 Nov 2013....
      I am  always think myself as the PRETHENSELIA of Amazon.I like myself being Prethenselia Amazon.Is it not like i like slavery but i like her courage to be a leader,of standing up.I like to be in high heel, work till the dawn knocking the door.As today,i pretty chained to my mattress,and i don't like it. i hate everyone have a journey while i am just here.I want to work it up somehow.I'm chained to the same 'me' ,i'm chained to same 'napun namja' (don't even start to ask)...and I NEED  CHANGE.And big smile....i decide to start today.....i cut it short (my hair) as the symbolic of 'throwing away useless burden i haven't been carrying....SUPRISINGLY, as it been cut....lil by lil, MY VISION grew wider.I no longer hid behind the black 'curtain'.This is MY FIRST STEP to change i want to to myself.Wish me Luck ...Peace to the world.
I'M FACING THE WORLD.
     
    Zhen Huan.
 "She owned her greatest intelligence,
   yet being wise is her choice-to-be,
 "She owned her awesome beauty,
  yet being reserved keep it more pricy,
"She owned her own 'seats',
  yet,being humble keep her friends,
 "She owned her sweats she  shed,
    yet,her brains make her owned her
     destiny......

   
“Be the change that you wish to see in the world.” 
― Mahatma Gandhi

So, Change the way you want to be.....good night.